期望和失望是对等的。
丢下我们离开的人没有资格说，那是爸爸和妈妈两个人的事，你们不要管。
原来我对他们的期望那么大，象神一样。可惜他们不过也是个会犯错的凡人。
我五婶说，你爸爸当年真的很爱妈妈。我们都见到的。所以你妈妈到了今天还是会想到爸爸的好。才会在那间老家等他回来。我好像能够体会，却一点都不明白。
我说，那是因为我爸爸在强逼改变自己来迁就妈妈。明明不开心不喜欢那样做，为了让对方觉得自己很爱她，就刻意改变自己。最后受不了就严重反弹，弹到我满脸都是才跑掉。妈妈却一直以为爸爸外面有女人后，才会对她的态度判若二人。其实啊，家里能够满足的东西，要到外面去找吗?
两个人其实根本就不了解对方，两个人却每天都在讲我们十几年夫妻。十几年在一起很久么，不过就是挨日子，两个人根本没有好好过日子。现在爸爸离开都十几年了，十几年，快的很也短得很嘛。没什么大不了，想起来就像昨天一样，谈起来像云淡风清。
可是，听到离开的人很明理般地说，"那是爸爸和妈妈两个人的事，你们不要管"时，我心里在想的是，我爸爸真是岂有此理。
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
那年我十八岁
小时候，住在爷爷家。爷爷家不小，我记得，卖掉那片土地，好像让爷爷突然晋级有钱人。
其实，讲正确一点，爷爷家不大，大的是那片土地的范围。爷爷家是那片土地的其中一个装饰品，就摆放在土地的中央。
奶奶，我比较喜欢叫她做阿嬷，阿嬷喜欢植物，尤其是花。没事做的时候就浇浇花，施施肥。更常做的事就是那张凳子，坐在花旁边，和花谈天。
我不知道阿嬷每次都和花讲些什么，小小的我也从来没有尝试去知道。我很专心，很专心的在那片土地上玩耍。最常做的事情就是捡石头。把石头们都收集起来，当然，不论我怎么收，身边的石头总还是那么得多。然后，拿来丢，看哪一颗飞比较远、挖个洞洞，把他们埋了。
五岁以前的我，就是那样虚度我天真的光阴的。说那时的光阴天真，因为那时候的我很天真。五岁以前的我，就是那样渡过等妈妈放工回家的时间的。那时候，妈妈还在教书。五岁那年，我们搬家了。精准一点，我、爸爸、妈妈、还有弟弟，没有和阿公阿嬷一起住了。当然，这样也结束了我捡石头的日子。
再大一点，就因为爸爸工作的关系，搬到这个岛上。再也没有捡石头。上高中之前，有人问过我这样的问题。如果你站在河边，只能捡一颗石头，你会在什么时候捡石头？当时，我说我很久没捡石头了，等想捡的时候就会去捡啊。
很久以后的今天，我才知道，原来那个捡石头，跟我小时候捡石头是不一样的。所以，我说，高一第二学期前的我，和高一第二学期后的我，差别很大就是这个原因。我说，我小时候比较可爱，也是这个原因。我说，我小时候的颜色是很干净很单纯的，也还是这个原因。
续那位第一个问我有关捡石头的问题的人后，每过一段日子，就会有人来关心我捡石头了没。一开始，我有点受宠若惊，那么多人关心我呀！后来，在我的颜色变得越来越浑浊的时候，我讶异，石头也能那么耀眼的！
每当遇到捡石头的问题，我总回答，等我高中毕业再说吧。有人会替我担心，万一高中毕业前看见很喜欢的石头呢？我重复我讲过的句子。有人更担心石头，万一高中毕业后你发现石头被河水冲掉了呢？有重量的石头是没那么容易被河水冲走的，最多被别人捡掉罢了。
对关心石头的人们，真的要替石头说声谢谢。对关心我的人们，谢谢。不过还是那句话，石头嘛，一定会用心去找，但是就算找到了也不会把它拾起来。
它还不属于我。
我不会照顾石头。
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
这是我堂妹的杰作，她叫祁洁。没问过她就转载的，应该没问题。应该。
小小年纪，古灵精怪。可是很有林家出产的味道。这几年来好像跟她比较好，大概是到了可以沟通的年龄。大概也因为我很想有个妹妹。我也很喜欢她。我没有给弟弟买生日礼物，可是我给堂妹买生日礼物。
看到她的杰作，突然有点怀念我在她那个年龄的日子。
不知道是林家出品的关系，还是感同身受。只是骤然有感而发。
其实，讲正确一点，爷爷家不大，大的是那片土地的范围。爷爷家是那片土地的其中一个装饰品，就摆放在土地的中央。
奶奶，我比较喜欢叫她做阿嬷，阿嬷喜欢植物，尤其是花。没事做的时候就浇浇花，施施肥。更常做的事就是那张凳子，坐在花旁边，和花谈天。
我不知道阿嬷每次都和花讲些什么，小小的我也从来没有尝试去知道。我很专心，很专心的在那片土地上玩耍。最常做的事情就是捡石头。把石头们都收集起来，当然，不论我怎么收，身边的石头总还是那么得多。然后，拿来丢，看哪一颗飞比较远、挖个洞洞，把他们埋了。
五岁以前的我，就是那样虚度我天真的光阴的。说那时的光阴天真，因为那时候的我很天真。五岁以前的我，就是那样渡过等妈妈放工回家的时间的。那时候，妈妈还在教书。五岁那年，我们搬家了。精准一点，我、爸爸、妈妈、还有弟弟，没有和阿公阿嬷一起住了。当然，这样也结束了我捡石头的日子。
再大一点，就因为爸爸工作的关系，搬到这个岛上。再也没有捡石头。上高中之前，有人问过我这样的问题。如果你站在河边，只能捡一颗石头，你会在什么时候捡石头？当时，我说我很久没捡石头了，等想捡的时候就会去捡啊。
很久以后的今天，我才知道，原来那个捡石头，跟我小时候捡石头是不一样的。所以，我说，高一第二学期前的我，和高一第二学期后的我，差别很大就是这个原因。我说，我小时候比较可爱，也是这个原因。我说，我小时候的颜色是很干净很单纯的，也还是这个原因。
续那位第一个问我有关捡石头的问题的人后，每过一段日子，就会有人来关心我捡石头了没。一开始，我有点受宠若惊，那么多人关心我呀！后来，在我的颜色变得越来越浑浊的时候，我讶异，石头也能那么耀眼的！
每当遇到捡石头的问题，我总回答，等我高中毕业再说吧。有人会替我担心，万一高中毕业前看见很喜欢的石头呢？我重复我讲过的句子。有人更担心石头，万一高中毕业后你发现石头被河水冲掉了呢？有重量的石头是没那么容易被河水冲走的，最多被别人捡掉罢了。
对关心石头的人们，真的要替石头说声谢谢。对关心我的人们，谢谢。不过还是那句话，石头嘛，一定会用心去找，但是就算找到了也不会把它拾起来。
它还不属于我。
我不会照顾石头。
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
这是我堂妹的杰作，她叫祁洁。没问过她就转载的，应该没问题。应该。
小小年纪，古灵精怪。可是很有林家出产的味道。这几年来好像跟她比较好，大概是到了可以沟通的年龄。大概也因为我很想有个妹妹。我也很喜欢她。我没有给弟弟买生日礼物，可是我给堂妹买生日礼物。
看到她的杰作，突然有点怀念我在她那个年龄的日子。
不知道是林家出品的关系，还是感同身受。只是骤然有感而发。
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Back in Singapore
So I was back yesterday evening.
Went out for a movie with good friend to watch The Hulk, but I was too tired, jet lagged. Almost fall to sleep and was stoning through out.
Well, German are snobbish for reasons. They are not famous for noble anyway. They are typically logical, organized and systematic. But it's okay. My questions take some time for them to answer. (muahaha, I is happy!!)
all in all, is a nice place with nice weather. Not sure is either because first experience or because I really like it, I actually like it.
But those officer in the checkpoint really suspect my entry as I look like a potential terrorist from Malaysia trying to put a bomb on their ICE train. Before I tried to protest, a second thought flash through my mind that the modern day terrorists were all professional engineer or doctor. fine. I will take their suspicion as a compliment.
And the best thing to do at night is drinking. best beer, and cheaper than plain water. I very suka. and maybe is good for the cold weather too. Hence I didn't take a single drop of plain water in Germany through out. Morning I have coffee, then fresh orange juice and tea during the training, beer at night. everyday same.
So when I was on the flight back, I suddenly came back in reality...oh is over. and the food on the flight were not even come close by any standard I had in Germany. I think I'm just bias.
Went out for a movie with good friend to watch The Hulk, but I was too tired, jet lagged. Almost fall to sleep and was stoning through out.
Well, German are snobbish for reasons. They are not famous for noble anyway. They are typically logical, organized and systematic. But it's okay. My questions take some time for them to answer. (muahaha, I is happy!!)
all in all, is a nice place with nice weather. Not sure is either because first experience or because I really like it, I actually like it.
But those officer in the checkpoint really suspect my entry as I look like a potential terrorist from Malaysia trying to put a bomb on their ICE train. Before I tried to protest, a second thought flash through my mind that the modern day terrorists were all professional engineer or doctor. fine. I will take their suspicion as a compliment.
And the best thing to do at night is drinking. best beer, and cheaper than plain water. I very suka. and maybe is good for the cold weather too. Hence I didn't take a single drop of plain water in Germany through out. Morning I have coffee, then fresh orange juice and tea during the training, beer at night. everyday same.
So when I was on the flight back, I suddenly came back in reality...oh is over. and the food on the flight were not even come close by any standard I had in Germany. I think I'm just bias.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Germany
I am half way packing and it makes me feel annoyed and uneasy because this is my first business trip. I mean, training trip in a place called Bergisch Gladbach in Cologne, Germany. I spent long time to remember and pronounce this bloody "Bergisch Gladbach", try it yourself if you can. i bet after 24 hours you can only remember B.G. How can you feel comfortable when you can't even get the name of your destination correct?
I have so much to prepare. everyone told me what to expect and expect me to do what. mainly about Germany, and the German. Really not much on boarding and airport, but that's my own obiang kampung problem because I hardly travel with flight (and if I haven't tell anyone, actually I missed the flight last month from Penang to Singapore). So it ended up with CH to tell me how to check-in online and to choose the seat.
Also, 30% of my luggage space is not my stuff. A minimalist like me won't be carry a lot of things around. Of course this is business trip so I wun be crying even if I need to bring a (extra)laptop...and it is not part of the 30%. It's "their" parcels. For all sort of departments that not much to do with me. Is just a favour. a plain one. New bird mah, i will take it.
In the nutshell, all including myself have certain expectation of my performance in the training, either due to my technical background, or for PR and diplomatic purpose. Or a mixture of both. Apparently Asia Pacific office somehow not having great relationship with ppl in Germany HQ. Average at best.
As far as i understand, partly is due to technical inferiority in Singapore office. I think they hope I can change the German's perception, at least show them Singapore office is developing that area. So I must not only not buang muka, must claim back some pride too(!!). Better if I can checkmate them, although is unlikely....I dun want end up worry about how to build a ladder for them escape. (yes! i am genius! not that i dun want checkmate them ok :P)
Frankly. I can't feel the excitement (or worry) at all. I can't even feel it with 2 days left to fly. Until yesterday. Now the delayed-apprehensiveness started to strike. what the hell. Well, every time I feel nervous. I think of everyone I know that gone through tough situation. And that is because I am actually a fan of some of my friends. I certainly admire them.
OK, get back to my packing!!
I have so much to prepare. everyone told me what to expect and expect me to do what. mainly about Germany, and the German. Really not much on boarding and airport, but that's my own obiang kampung problem because I hardly travel with flight (and if I haven't tell anyone, actually I missed the flight last month from Penang to Singapore). So it ended up with CH to tell me how to check-in online and to choose the seat.
Also, 30% of my luggage space is not my stuff. A minimalist like me won't be carry a lot of things around. Of course this is business trip so I wun be crying even if I need to bring a (extra)laptop...and it is not part of the 30%. It's "their" parcels. For all sort of departments that not much to do with me. Is just a favour. a plain one. New bird mah, i will take it.
In the nutshell, all including myself have certain expectation of my performance in the training, either due to my technical background, or for PR and diplomatic purpose. Or a mixture of both. Apparently Asia Pacific office somehow not having great relationship with ppl in Germany HQ. Average at best.
As far as i understand, partly is due to technical inferiority in Singapore office. I think they hope I can change the German's perception, at least show them Singapore office is developing that area. So I must not only not buang muka, must claim back some pride too(!!). Better if I can checkmate them, although is unlikely....I dun want end up worry about how to build a ladder for them escape. (yes! i am genius! not that i dun want checkmate them ok :P)
Frankly. I can't feel the excitement (or worry) at all. I can't even feel it with 2 days left to fly. Until yesterday. Now the delayed-apprehensiveness started to strike. what the hell. Well, every time I feel nervous. I think of everyone I know that gone through tough situation. And that is because I am actually a fan of some of my friends. I certainly admire them.
OK, get back to my packing!!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
New office
I've been in the new office for a week. I mean, new job.
To tell the truth, I am still not very used to sit in the office eating a lot a lot of emails. And there it was obviously too short a week for anything dramatic to happen. So all I want to tell is nothing happen. hahahahaha.
Well, adapted to the company culture is the thing, and still on the way. like it or not, somethings need to be earn and never be demanded, especially you are so dame new, ie 1 week old. So I am perfectly fine with certain differences. And got pretty girl, which is an important x-factor to the office environment because eyes candy is an motivation. :P
And nowadays I need to iron my shirts and wear a formal wear that i never wear for ages. And, wear like an office guy make a difference too. I mean, the way you carry yourself determine how other look at you. Last friday I was walking around because I was a little early for a dinner gathering (damn they were late!). When I stop in front of a shop selling a lot of plasma TV or LCD, one of the TV facing the walkway was showing Ice-Age. since I have nothing better to do, I stand there to watch, at the middle of the walk way... I am sure you know what I mean. haha.
10 times out of 10 times no one will bother me. but not this time. I think I was wearing too decent (and too old) to just stand there watching the damn cartoon. Immediately their sales person were asking about buying TV. They thought I was watching TV. i mean, see the TV. So as usual I was about to leave after throwing the line "it's ok thanks. Am just looking around". and 10 times out of 10 times I should be able to walk away and, nothing happen.
He was so persistent in presenting me their best offer that I can't even walk away. don't tell me if I want to I can, I knew it, but just can;t, ok? He walked me around several brand of plasma TVs. Then he stopped in front of this SHARP LCD and started his well-phrased introduction. all the big words come out, world leader, world class, latest technology. Something I heard everyday reading science articles. I bet he may not know what is the technology besides the "latest" technology. well but I am not in the mood to go there. So since I have sometime I was entertained him by anyhow asking questions like how much, any freebies, delivery charges, warranty etc.
Until I have nothing else to ask and he has nothing else to talk, I said thank you and want to go home think about it first. come on, we all know this is polite talk. even if i really interested, this is not chicken rice you spent 2.50 bucks can? we don't spent 2.5k buy plasma TV in the time frame enough for a pack of chicken rice!! He was so aggressive that suggest me to put down 100 bucks deposit because I said I really need to discuss with my wife (what a lame self-rescue excuse!!) and half joking saying "you know la, women is garang..." kinda of thing.
Then he started to lost patient and in a very snobbish tone, "this is the last piece ok, next time if you come back I can't give you the same offer unless you pay the deposit now. and if your wife don't like this you can change to other products in our shop". what the hell. I was not in the mood to wrestle with him, I am going to leave NOW.
NO thanks was all he gets. and what else can you do? after your pretend you have a possessive and fierce wife you still cannot get away!! I am so defeated!!
argh.
To tell the truth, I am still not very used to sit in the office eating a lot a lot of emails. And there it was obviously too short a week for anything dramatic to happen. So all I want to tell is nothing happen. hahahahaha.
Well, adapted to the company culture is the thing, and still on the way. like it or not, somethings need to be earn and never be demanded, especially you are so dame new, ie 1 week old. So I am perfectly fine with certain differences. And got pretty girl, which is an important x-factor to the office environment because eyes candy is an motivation. :P
And nowadays I need to iron my shirts and wear a formal wear that i never wear for ages. And, wear like an office guy make a difference too. I mean, the way you carry yourself determine how other look at you. Last friday I was walking around because I was a little early for a dinner gathering (damn they were late!). When I stop in front of a shop selling a lot of plasma TV or LCD, one of the TV facing the walkway was showing Ice-Age. since I have nothing better to do, I stand there to watch, at the middle of the walk way... I am sure you know what I mean. haha.
10 times out of 10 times no one will bother me. but not this time. I think I was wearing too decent (and too old) to just stand there watching the damn cartoon. Immediately their sales person were asking about buying TV. They thought I was watching TV. i mean, see the TV. So as usual I was about to leave after throwing the line "it's ok thanks. Am just looking around". and 10 times out of 10 times I should be able to walk away and, nothing happen.
He was so persistent in presenting me their best offer that I can't even walk away. don't tell me if I want to I can, I knew it, but just can;t, ok? He walked me around several brand of plasma TVs. Then he stopped in front of this SHARP LCD and started his well-phrased introduction. all the big words come out, world leader, world class, latest technology. Something I heard everyday reading science articles. I bet he may not know what is the technology besides the "latest" technology. well but I am not in the mood to go there. So since I have sometime I was entertained him by anyhow asking questions like how much, any freebies, delivery charges, warranty etc.
Until I have nothing else to ask and he has nothing else to talk, I said thank you and want to go home think about it first. come on, we all know this is polite talk. even if i really interested, this is not chicken rice you spent 2.50 bucks can? we don't spent 2.5k buy plasma TV in the time frame enough for a pack of chicken rice!! He was so aggressive that suggest me to put down 100 bucks deposit because I said I really need to discuss with my wife (what a lame self-rescue excuse!!) and half joking saying "you know la, women is garang..." kinda of thing.
Then he started to lost patient and in a very snobbish tone, "this is the last piece ok, next time if you come back I can't give you the same offer unless you pay the deposit now. and if your wife don't like this you can change to other products in our shop". what the hell. I was not in the mood to wrestle with him, I am going to leave NOW.
NO thanks was all he gets. and what else can you do? after your pretend you have a possessive and fierce wife you still cannot get away!! I am so defeated!!
argh.
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