Reshuffling. New house. New life.

I am moving into a new house this saturday. it's going to end my 22 months tenancy in sm's place. i am getting a little excited and looking forward to it.

while i am packing i started throwing things away, including a lot a lot of letters over the years when i was undergrad. i was very diligent back then. =)
btw lets get back to what i wanted to say.....so what bother me now is what we call "companionship".

it wasn't the first time i feel lonely. if you are aware there were even entries i stated it bluntly. everyone say be strong and independent. so, how, you tell me. human are by nature animals live in group, it just happened that some do adapt better living alone over time. when i was in the hall, there are so many ppl around and i choose to be alone most of the time. and getting a little anti social towards the end.

when i moved out from hostel, i missed the presence of my friends dearly. i was never been completely detached from the hall anyway, it just gradually move on to the life i am having now. i am now live without the hall, except the badminton court. and the pool table. i am completely fine with the life now. it was a little difficult to have a meal on your own for the first time, but it will become a normal practice sooner than imagined.

regardless i was adapted to live alone, to a certain extent, i found it is nothing to do with ...how strong and independent are you. there are feeling and opinion genuinely generated from bottom of your heart. jelousy, loneliness, happiness, depression etc, as well as the need for companionship. we were always told you must be stronger, tougher....what's wrong with having a weaker character? PREFERRED NOT to be alone is not a sin. CANNOT live alone is just...desperate.

we were told to be strong and tough and independent. it's like feeling lonely is a negative reflection of your character. like you are forever-never-grown-up-spoilt-brat. this thought deeply confused me. i thought we were born to have our own character, exhibit different attributes. some can live alone better but some don't.

i guess the real point doesnt lie on how strong/independent are you. it is HOW YOU RESPOND to the emptiness and loneliness. taking out of the context, you naturally feel jealous when your gf went out with her ex. you very upset for not making into second upper class by 0.007. there are ppl cannot stand one to feel jealous, like it is very..not gentlemen; or feeling disappointed for the 0.007 is being plain weak.

give me a break, folks.

living weak is not entirely wrong in its own way. self psycho to make yourself a stronger person? don't make me laugh man. no one can get away from it until the day we understand our own feeling. i know i am happy today, i know i am sad today. i feel lonely now, go for a movie with friend; i feel jealous, but she was comfortable even the last time i went out with my first crush. it's nothing wrong being yourself as...weak/jealous/sad/depressed/angry/frustrated/bored, as long as you know how to respond to the emotion and feeling.

I am looking forward to the new life in the new house.

I prefer to stay with friends.

I don't want to stay on my own.

Senai

and today i were back. from ipoh, taking airasia, reached senai in 50 minutes. i am not going to take bus anymore.

so actually i were back to the place that set the best fullstop in my undergrad. a dearly belated reminder of the trip. 2 years anniversary of sabah trip just passed. it was 28th April...7th May 2004.

here we go, senai airport...(xxx Ismail xxx airport, actually, cant remember damn.)



stand like idiot there waiting for the flight.

it was like maciam tourist trip...i mean leading a tourist trip. cos most of them cannot speak malay, together with some extra-TLC-required malaysian, haha. wait very long edi i supposed but din feel it cos keep talking(walking) around, the most relaxing days in my years since i came to singapore. tell you i nvr rested for the past 4 yrs, i burn my sem break and 3 month holidays for sth now seems useless but exciting back then. so time is up, check in.



then walking happily into the plane.



then chop the seat and take photos, a lot a lot of photos on the flight. AirAsia only dude. seldom take flight, so very excited. here comes me, sc, jy, egon n fiona at the back.



go to alot of places. this is a place called Fairy Garden that named after kayu......



.....who is not in the photo because she was downstair shooting THAT photo....with the most sunshining smile of the year...



and before leaving the place, trying to entertain the highest maintainance-required member dorothy...



nvr make it to the peak. so trying to console ourselves by taking a not-so-far-away photo. the mount kinabalu. and all the guys....MAN. haha.



and make it even closer. at kaki bukit edi. Everyone now. the only full strength photo. The ONLY one, i also dunno why only one shot, at the place that we nvr make it in somemore.



rent the van to take us anywhere we want. RM2700 per van per 10 days ok? this van got a plate number 4337. but driver is driver, taking photo damn lousy...hand shake one.



went to this place called Poring, got water fall and hot spring one. behind mount kinabalu.....so trekking to the upstream. so going up.



reach the top edi. the toughest journey...keep fighting with leeches. ass. record 3 seconds in water the feet got 3 leeches edi. 1 leeches per second...and damn, why girls like to put their face so close together?



you see....guys don't.



Pengakap also don't. they play brokeback mountain and dragon ball. want to combine. his name is ansley. beware of him. and enoch got his half underwear exposed.



and got these duo..duo...gay, trying to be funny. the one surrender first have to being called a gay. cannot argue.



Then go to pulau tiga, the survival island......



do a lot of sports....soccer.....



.........snookers........



.......rock climbing....



.....life saving....



and peeing.



with the mission impossible.....i swear: i wanna pond ah bairn..



then the advisor thinks...



thinker also thinks....



and then ah bairn fall into the trap. lure her. act friendly first.


after that is 18PG. censored.

so we proceed to rafting. team of the year. alamak, me, kayu, mabel and ah bairn.



then go to drink sabah coconut juice. i thought got difference.



then go all the way north towards Kudat to see funny thing like this...



this...



and this.



then we were at the tip of Borneo edi.





went to University Malaysia Sabah (UMS).



....and all the Life Sciences graduate take photo.



so this is actually day 9 edi if you are not aware of. all sleep like a dead dog.



say good bye to sabah.



and say good bye to Air Asia.



and say good bye to ourselves.







and sleep again.



and again.



and then wake up from the dream, we started our life again. go honours. go working. go army. go NIE.

the best trip after CP 97'.

kayu

kayu is my ultimate mentor.

she was right again. she probably going to be right again next.

Cool, intelligent, wise, rational, sensible, compassionate, soft and tough.

this is the N times i've said, she always give me insight enlightens me. she has thought of every single word before she says, typically short and precise. quotes are full of immense wisdom.

she is a friend that will make you grow. in rare occasion she is inspirational.

went to drink sake, like the smell of the ethanol i used to wipe the culture hood.

and she was right again, yesterday.

Imitation

Imitation is the best form of flattering.

this is all about confidence, which i found out these years, we all lack of confident from that kind of environment. we hope we are like someone and never comfortable as who we are. ya that's the line, 'comfortable with yourself'.

we say, be yourself. you never know how hard it is when it's not merely by the mouth. do you have the gut to say no and say yes whenever your heart tells? you trying damn hard to make up an image that ppl like to look at, or to fit into ppl's expectation. you want to be a nice guy, you try to please everyone you know, you don't want to be yourself. but your mouth says me is me.

but is that you?

no, that's not. because you afriad of ruin a relationship, family, friends, whoever. this is a sign of insecurity, a reflection of the emptiness in one's heart. fear of irritate a person, or make them not happy. i thought you just said you are glad because the ppl surrounding accept you as who you are? or you create a personality that is easily accepted by tom dick harry....anyone?

you hate copy cat, i don't.

because imitation is the best form of flattering.