Friday, January 19, 2007

I swear I love you.

I came across the article from a blogger called Michael Beckman, circulated by haen vee. and this is the 2nd time i read it after the article released back in november last year.

click here and here to read the original articles.

Actually this is nothing much more than losing my tantrum. frankly, i seldom share my political view publicly if you are not willing to listen in the first place.

I have no intention to hard sell how superior is this neighbouring island compare to the mainland besides. everytime the taxi driver complaint about how our(their) leader making comment on each other at any issue that can be quarrel, i feel like a kid listening to the aunty next door say how my mum bully her. and just because i stay with the aunty next door, i was accused of not loving my mum anymore, and being treated more like a visitor than a brother by my siblings every time i go home. and always been seen as just a matter of time before i call another women "mum".

i run away from home because i am looking for a better life, not because of i dislike my mum. if ever there is any valid accusation, it is i love myself more than my mum. and everytime the brothers at home complain about how difficult is their life, there is no solution offered to themselves and to the nation as well, besides feeding their hard earn money into the pocket of the traffic police, and sent the astronaut to make teh tarik in the space. i am sorry i couldn't find a solution for the nation, i can only solve for myself, so i leave for a better place in relative. then i wonder if the choice to stay is decided, why my brothers still want to complain, while on the other hand looking at their brothers stay away from home as "betrayer", if this is too heavy for a word to used. i am not even sure if my brother understand there is a word closer to the fact called "refugee".

Generalize going abroad as do-not-love-your-mum is simply disorientated. it distracted the attention from the reasons of the departure of the kid, to a threatening question: love mum or leave mum. it seems like regardless what's the reason, you do not love your mum anymore as long as you leave, you have to stay in order to show your love. the reason behind have not been addressed properly, or unable to address in the first place. in truth, it is not an issue our brother would like to entertain because it certainly not sth they can change even they try their best. 200 overseas m'sian professionals invited to come back to serve their nation, and none of them stay. by saying the currency or money speaks is just getting the issue too easy and under estimate your own elite away from home. it is the condusive environment and correct culture that matters if you still do not understand now.

Everytime i look at the number of malaysian contribute to the island instead of their own soil, i wonder how much we can achieve if we diverted all this effort into msia. before i figure out the exact progress in equivalent, i figure out how much energy we lost in the process to reach our target. i admit i am severely lack of confidence in our own country, but i just don't want to say "boleh" everytime even when i am self-psycho-ing. i am just feeling frustrated as chinese proverb say 恨铁不成钢.....maybe "激心" is the better word...if you know how to speak cantonese.

i have never like singapore because i never feel like at home. but this is the best option within my reach. so i decided to trade "creativity and freedom" with "justice and integrity" at the expense of "home". there is no right for myself to complain about how ppl's kitchen should looks like because the decision made have accounted for every shortcoming in the package. however, everytime i went home and all i heard is bad news. ....is just too much, i have no energy even listen to them. say i am trying to avoid the problem, say i am putting self-comfort in priority. i wish i am deaf to all the news i heard. i wish i could hear sth motivating and encouraging everytime i go home, not some NGO find out how the government have sign an unfair agreement regarding toll fees, not some minister was found guilty for building expensive house without submitting the plan, not a pathetic RM200 for the banjir victim. A genuine good news is certainly not when you see bad guys kena punished, even it maybe, maybe a beginning for a real good news.

i am concern. i am just helpless.

i do not want to speak for every single msian because most likely there are really ppl who has not feel anything about msia even it disappear one day. but i guess there is always a bunch of msian, not only in singapore, who care about how's the atmosphere and weather in msia from time to time. why care? so that we know if it has become a better place to stay. so when it is time to come back, we would like to stay in our home. opportunistic? if you buy this school of thought i have nothing to say. I just don't want our next generation grown up in a place where i have to teach them how to differentiate a real police instead of going for them when you got rob.

tell me i am naive, but i swear i love you, malaysia.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

To you

I know you are not reading this because i didn't tell you i have a blog.

I do not know the reason why you broke up with him because you didn't tell me either.

A relationship of 5 years isn't by chance or coincidence, it must be such a hard fact to take on.

For once I suddenly wanted to call you just to know you are fine even though I have never done so before.

Regardless what's the reason, i hope you do appreciate and grateful for the time you spent together with him, as i still want to say again, 5 years is no by chance. it is part of the life and will be part of the life you have live on.

be happy.

wish you good.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

单身

单身,就是一个人。就是你现在想的那个意思。

不过它比很多电影或驾驶规格还要严,就象你从来不说那十岁小毛头单身。十八岁也不可以。到了可以投票给反对党的年龄,都还不够格。对了,就是你现在想的那个年龄。

到了某个时候,单身就是没结婚了。跟有没有爱情是不相干的,想是当时爱情和婚姻可以划上等号的年代,单身恐怕也是同一个年头诞生。连填英文表格都只有 Single或married而没有in a relationship. 只有friendster有。看,这个世代看事情和前辈有点分别吧。

婚姻以前不一定是一种选择,现在是。可是到了现在单身仍未必是一种选择。简单说,想单身的可以不结婚,不想单身的可不一定有婚结。

单身是一种生活技能吧,要学习的。虽然出路不止一个,可是还是会听到说,那老了怎么办。那是想要逃课所以结婚吧。理由确是很荒谬,不过正反映出每一个单身和结了婚的人,心中的忧虑,也都害怕孤单和寂寞。那种生活技能学来干嘛,实在不是什么值得骄傲的才华。

我说,有空还是学学好,有技能的单身是投资,没技能的单身是想投机,结果早注定了的。

给所有单身的朋友,没人爱的话,就爱自己罢了。虽然渴望被爱而不得,都只是遇不上罢了。非关优劣。当仅仅走着狗屎运看吧。

Monday, January 8, 2007

选择

今天在准备明天要重复的一个试验。上次失败,干等了两个星期。我在想我会有多少两个星期来付每一次的失败。

试验好象很浪费青春。我一边干活一边想,手不停脑也没闲着。想,没有包成功的方程式,太不划算了,青春有限哪。

这时脑海闪过我的一路走来。

我想起很多事情。而且,最近我的记忆力变得超好,专门不忘记一些芝麻绿豆的小事。对,就象女人翻旧账一样可怖(恶)。因此,我想起了更多的事情。

比如锦兰第一次载我去万里望爬山时车上播着的是张学友的纽约的司机驾着北京的梦。

比如看流星雨时阿冰在唱王菲的红豆。

比如我在B-8-3看见一张折半朱红色卡片写着张学友的真情流露歌词 "我缺点胜别人 你却费尽心神 把我留起"。

象这种类型程度的回忆。

若有更多的刺激,我会想起更多事情。而那种刺激,多半是歌曲或歌词。因为我现在正听着曾淑勤的鲁冰花。另外象气味或者声音,一些时间胶囊般的东西也会。

试验可以重来,人生不可以。无论有着怎样的过去,尽管唏嘘与惆怅,人生终究无法再来一次。错过或者把握,都只是人生的一部份,是个选择的后果。如果你无法 选择过怎样的人生,你可以选择怎样过即有的人生。虽然我不后悔是因为不想去后悔,而有太多事情就算几千个两个星期,也是付不起的。

谢谢回忆。我要说别了。

别再见了。

写到这里,突然发觉选择英文叫C-H-O-I-C-E。

如有雷同纯属巧合。