同心而离居，忧伤以终老

在一个和低落心情角力的晚上，漫无目的地阅读网上的文章。

再说一次(<-- 可以按)，我因喜欢分享生活经验而习惯了阅读别人的部落格。

而偏偏，就在这时，我突然很难过。阅读别人的部落格，只是我单方面不停地吸收，根本谈不上什么分享。而我自己的部落格，从一开始就没有闲杂人等，只有亲密的朋友。我其实非常不想告诉你，我是一个会寂寞却不甘懦弱的人。

我很讨厌告诉别人我很闷，要不要去旅行；也会在很需要一双耳朵的时候，却倒头大睡。

那个"同心而离居，忧伤以终老"，上一句是还顾望旧乡，长路漫浩浩。说的是游子离乡，想回家而不得。却同时重叠式地将女子想念丈夫之情寄于其中。是一首含蓄的婉曲，比较女人，隐藏着文字无法说明的意韵。

我突然明白为什么人会读到感动的文章。通常是那些把话说到你心坎里的，而你自己花了几百年依旧整理不出个头绪那种。你读到一个情绪出口，于是，郁积在心里的情绪突然有了渲泄的管道，一下子释放出来。如果心里的管道不够大条，就会涨到从眼睛溢出来。

因为我读到-"说实话我已经不相信了，这话听起来太像安慰了"。

在这里(<-- 可以按)，是我自己的寻人启事。十九个月前写的，有点天真。因为沉溺在J的事情里。原来，时间还过得真快。却想起一首歌叫’对的人‘。

爱虽然很美妙却不能为了寂寞又陷了泥沼

爱要耐心等待 仔细寻找 感觉很重要
宁可空白了手 等候一次 真心的拥抱
我相信在这个世界上
一定会遇到对的人出现在眼角

我身边女人不少，却总是什么也没发生。我也无法为了寂寞又陷入泥沼，因为我不甘懦弱的同时，并无法爱上陌生人。

在这里 (<-- 可以按)也许你有一些共鸣，或曾经有过。你可以毫不介意毫不犹豫毫不留情地对号入座，因为那都不是罪过。

说得真好，我也希望能早点被通知。

It is at Jurong East

Yah i just moved house. before i start let's see what's Jamie Yeo said.



"Moving is stressful. So VERY stressful..... packing and unpacking, getting rid of the old furniture... have all but rendered me thoroughly exhausted. But the worst is over. And I'm now settling nicely into the new place.....Sentiments have no place when one is relocating. It takes a hardened heart to throw away old trinkets, keepsakes, moldy love letters, old high school grade slips, etc....I think memories make us who we are. They form the very essence of our lives and guide us towards our future chapters..... That's what life is all about, isn't it? Living... learning....loving.... experiencing... laughing...crying....and remembering"

Read the original article here.

Jamie Yeo is an Arsenal fan who host Nokia FootballCrazy in ESPN Star Sports. yeah, a sweetie pie who supports Arsenal.

In many ways, her thought smells familiar to me, maybe I buy her idea that's why. But certainly not because she is sweet, I swear, unless she is a Man Utd fan. =)

I thought i was quite tough when relocating. I throw things away ruthlessly, that's why I have little stuff to move around even this is the 5th year i am in Singapore. Over the past 5 years I didn't seem to accumulate things. Because I clear up my things, i mean, CLEAR UP.

But when comes to memories, I am the one that can never forget minute details when it registered in my mind. Read across the old entries you'll realized I'm an animal that feed on memory in order to live. But it was a brutal version of Jamie Yeo's quote.

I am glad I have enough memories to move on. The Block 299 old house is a place where I spent my time worth remembering. Not sure if i will sentimental enough to keep that place in mind for years to come, but the house I am staying now will probably be another part of my story.

One things i learn from past experience was, memories are meant to be the strength and reason to move on, instead of a mental barrier to overcome before we open our heart to new memory.

We don't need to forget, "life is about remembering", remember?

N/A

I am tired, exhausted and burnt.

Blank mind. Not happy.

Not sad either. just, "--less", means nothing or empty.

No time to enjoy the new place. no mood. no energy too. means nothing or empty.

Nil and without anything.

I moved into new house; I was stuck in the midst of unfinished tasks; I was threaten by foreign workers; I was give in to argue something I was right; I was tied up by all the chores; I was accumulating dissatisfaction in lab.

I feel empty. I feel nothing. Don't even remember I have gone through everything that happened.

Literally, I have no mental preparation and mood for anything and everything. An auto-mode from 0830 to 0030.

Give me a break.

月红日。姨妈至也。

汉末，有女名佳，年方二八，自幼父母双亡，承欢姨娘。日久，媒事渐多，女独喜李郎。

李生多情，私会家中。几要亲近，忽闻屐声。佳曰：姨妈至。李生藏。

甘露后，李生纳媒，佳入李门。洞房之时，李郎宽衣拔蜡，欲行云雨。佳逢月红，羞言，曰：姨妈至。李郎顿悟，停房事。

至此，李佳氏（例假时）月红日，惯曰：姨妈至。

*******************************************************************************

好好，这是来翻译的。

汉朝末期，有个姑娘叫佳儿，二十八岁，从小父母双亡，跟姨妈住。后来，慢慢地上门提亲的多了，可是佳儿只喜欢一个姓李的男生。

李生很咸湿，偷偷在佳儿家中幽会。有次想要缠绵，突然听到鞋子走来的声音。佳儿就说，是姨妈来。李生就藏起来。

不久，李生提亲，佳儿嫁入李门。要洞房的时候，李老公脱光光想要。佳儿刚好月经，羞答答地说，姨妈来。李生顿时明白，不再索求。

到了今天，李佳氏月经时都叫着，姨妈来了。

Chronic Inflammation

If you don't know what is chronic inflammation, in Chinese layman term it's called 慢性发炎.

Chronic = 慢性
Inflammation = 发炎

Inflammation is a general symptom that our body response to injury, irritation or infection. The inflammation is a body auto-response that is supposed to help you recover from injury, irritation or infection. Besides the above chronic inflammation, there is another kind called acute inflammation, 急性发炎.

Acute = 急性

you heard 急性盲肠炎 before right? Acute Appendicitis. Literally it is an acute (急性) inflammation (炎) of the appendices (盲肠). 盲肠急性发炎. Since is is so 急, that's why the patient cannot wait, must operation fast to take out the inflamed appendices. if it is chronic appendicitis, as we know it is that 慢, that's why you heard some people said they last for few weeks/months before they have operation.

盲肠发炎 is inflammation of appendices; if inflammation happened in another part of body, eg 关节(发)炎 is arthritis (inflammation of joint), 肝(发)炎 is Hepatitis (inflammation of liver) etc etc.

So today we learn 6 new words. Acute(急性), chronic(慢性), inflammation(炎), appendicitis(盲肠炎), arthritis(关节炎)and Hepatitis(肝炎).

Actually I am not here to talk about what I'd just said.

I just wanted to tell you I'd just argued fiercely with my boss that where is the direction of my on-going publication write up should head to. yah, i am writing a scientific paper, and forever writing it. never get done.

why i can't see the end? because all researcher are greedy and patience enough to accumulate enough data before publish it, in order to make a greater impact. just like you have a blockbuster movie in the progress, but you don't leak it out the moment you shoot the first scene. you wait for it to complete and launch it in style and fashion with a well made trailer, so that ppl will want to watch your real movie.

But sometimes there is a line to draw. you don't want to shoot the movie 2046 until the year 2046. you have to close it even if you think it is imperfect. you learn it and you make a better movie next time. unless you are simply enjoy the making process and no pressure to deliver.

i have pressure to deliver, and i know yc has too. maybe she is more ambitious and patience. and i guess she is aiming a better first publication from me.

Sigh, i can never imagine i could talked like that to yc. I am getting frustrated by the "keep-including-new-data" cycle. My mind has never rested and settled regardless how many days of break I have had in the CNY.

I have been pushing myself to finish the lab work so that i can sit down and write the paper for my post-graduate enrollment program. and now I've missed 2 intake since the day i decided to do master/PhD. simply because i cannot get the paper out in time.

So what is this going to do with the inflammation?

How I wish it is just acute inflammation. I am just here to tell you I am developing this stupid chronic inflammation mentally. If you don't know, usually acute inflammation doesn't kill, and easy to treat. Panadol will cure it most of the time.

But chronic inflammation kills.

And if you still cannot imagine, Tuberculosis is one of them.

Don't know what is Tuberculosis? then you learn the 7th word today.

TB or 肺结核.

Still catch no ball? cancer, heart attack, stroke.

Opps, you learn 10 words today.

踏步前行

生活还未细细品茗，又要踏步前行了。

有人在中学毕业时对我说，还写在纪念册里。这种话那时听了觉得很老，年纪小小就深诣人生，象是追求梦想而无可奈何的别离。那个年代少年老成总是比较吃香。

现在这道理怎么看都不对，就是少年不知愁滋味强说愁。不停地前行，不停地前行。一次又一次地浅尝着深切的生活，蜻蜓点水般过日子，到底什么才是真正的生活啊? 前行终究不是生活的目的嘛。如果前进是人生在世的唯一目的，那会象王家卫电影里那只没有脚的鸟，永远只能自由地飞翔，不停地飞。有一天它着陆了，因为它死掉了。

几天前在看台湾节目，有个主持叫徐乃麟，说，摄影棚站久了，就是你的。说得真合我胃口，好不好则另当别论。没什么速成的，就脚踏实地地干，刻苦耐劳，谦虚谨慎......听起来好悲哀，其实我好想不劳而获。我很懒惰，天天用什么激励话来维持活力未免太假。小鸟本来就是要飞的，有没有脚都一样。如果天天还要自我鞭策般让翅膀挥动，我就会开始怀疑其实我并不是鸟。而分别就是在有飞行目的地和漫无目的罢了。

前不前行其实和不劳而获有一点关系，通常不劳不获才会想拼命前行，希望行到一片黄金遍地的乐土。好了，修成正果了，眼前全是白花花的银子和黄澄澄的金子。你现在很成功了，整个摄影棚是你的了，回头一看。他妈的，人老朱黄不说，由于不顾一切勇往直前，一路上有点万骨枯的景像，通常还失去最重要的东西。那时就会很唏嘘地唱赵传的我终于失去了你。

生活真是充满疾苦呢。是不是应该细细品茗，才会苦尽甘来?

Money in the balance

This is the day when I felt the impact of money.

I am someone who always thinks that money is just money and what is enough is enough. You live at your own means as long as financially allowed, because you spent at the manner of how much you earn. If you can’t finish off 1 million dollars, 1 billions dollars is meaningless. It’s just a number.

I’ve grown up without experienced the prowess of money. I have never seen the money in front of my eyes created any magical moment as long as I can remember. Maybe there is not much money to begin with. In fact, the greatest moment in my memory was the day I suddenly notice the amount of dishes on the dinning table was directly proportional to the financial status at home.

Then I learned the importance of money. But importance is not exactly prowess.

I was in a rare mood of calculating my financial token. And I found myself was heavily associated with liabilities. And this is the time I hate myself having “financial freedom” as the only word surface in my mind which abused by way too many MLM and insurance companies. I thought I was over-fuelled with pride to distant myself with them.

The direct influence would be from ej and jiun who are getting married very soon. The more they shared with me the more I see my financial fragility. It would be just nice as how I live now, but a greater financial commitment would certainly threaten.

Certain expected and unexpected incidents (that needs money) really annoyed me. The frustration is accumulating until I have a moment of detestation. I hate my brother doesn’t study hard enough to ease the financial pressure; I hate my father who has no plan for everything, I hate my mum for earning too little, and I hate myself for not done enough to earn. Sometimes I feel like a crying baby who is too helpless to do anything except whining and complaining. I even hate myself not being a son of Bill Gates.

But as soon as I thought of vs and her family, I laughed at myself for being too weak; even I have self-claimed a person with provider instinct.
Anyhow, I’ve seen my parents struggle with money, and out-wrested most of the time by the reality. With three children waiting for meals everyday surely doesn’t help at all. I always wonder how my parents “dare” to have three kids with such financial condition. I told my mum you are so brave. What I didn’t tell her was it was a poor decision.

I thought education is the best way to escape from poverty. So I make sure I graduate and find a decent job. Then I am constantly in search of a balance between money and satisfaction in the job. Yet sometimes you just have to swallow the fact that it is not about how much you can learn but it is how much you can earn. With growing financial commitment in all area, be it obligated or not, it is starting to haunt me. There is growing in fear that I can’t cope with it, especially in the near future. Every time I work my ass off and see I am the only one working hard to lead the progress and deliver the most in the lab, I feel like an idiot. Idiot that think of this is for the good of me so don’t bother.

But this is the time I need more motivation practically, not spiritually. For someone like me who has no 13 months bonus, no performance bonus, not covered by steady salary increment scheme, the only thing left is 28 days annual leave that I will never able to use up.

I work with pride and practice with professionalism, I know I deserved better treatment. Or at least, I am not working without knowing my price. You pay peanut for monkey, not the qualities I possess.

I hope I have sent my delicate message that mixed with personal request and expectation clearly.

Sigh, it’s just one of the many chores that are bothering.

选择

又来一次选择。

一定是太多选择了，不知道要选什么(谁)。

昨天我突然地被期待。其实是突然发觉被期待，然后深深地感觉到生命的重量。幸亏不是那种生命中所无法承受的轻，还有一点点可以辜负的空间。可是，期望看来还会跟随一段日子。很多很多的日子加在一起就会变成生活。

我不停地问自己想要这样子的生活么?

我想起以前在中学，有很多好朋友。一天大家谈起将来，我说我要成为一个画家。结果那天我被围，怕得要命。我自辩说宁可选择名留青史般死后留名，也不要庸庸碌碌当凡人。就算生前潦倒一生，死后被卖名字赚死人钱也无所不惜。反正就一副为进入历史不择手段的样子。

看看这个地方，以前就叫平凡。现在还是。只是主人家在更久以前还大言不惭地说要不平凡。

真是孩子话。

那时身无一技之长，只看颜色和线条有点天赋。现在想起来，有美术天份恐怕还是自封的多。还好，虽然不自觉，我的天赋其实是耐性和毅力。到了现在，拜真天赋所赐，假本领变得有点真，渐渐地大概就剩下我一个还在涂颜色。其它人全放弃了。我不是被选上的那一个，也不是最有天资的一个，却走到最后。

只剩下自己，孤单一个人。

我的工作和上面提到的，完全没有关系。有一段很长的时间，我在跟自己讲要努力爱上选上的。只要待得够久，就会看见值得等待的东西。有点久了，还没看到什么，却领会到在这个完全没有关系的领域里，我也是一个人。根本就没有不同。现在我在做学问，搞科技，谈艺术。能够做的事情好象多了，若现在要选择的话，老实说，我没什么自信选对。

或者根本就相由心生，非关对错。心里觉得怎样，行动就会潜地里默默配合，然后天天跟自己讲同样的话来自我催眠，‘待得够久，就会看见值得等待的’。然后可以和人分享说梦想成真的话。原来只要相信便看见，古人是这么说的。

以前社会简单，人们没什么选择的机会，只能默默承受即有的一切。有人过得好，有的人过得不好。唯一不同的是那时人们尊重选择的机会，因为难得啊。现在什么都有的选，事业，女人，房子，车子，书包，手机，到哪家航空公司，哪家银行，同一家银行的哪家分行，甚至排队盖印都要选又快又短的。现在还要研发科技生(选)个又高又帅又能跑又会游又班赖弹钢琴利害读书的儿子。

有的选比没的选好。那是贪婪。其实你根本不想要。你要的纯粹是那选择的权利。

权力。权利。权利，就是权力。

一个不知道自己想要什么的人，在过剩的选择前面，恰好选择不了。不如没得选。

忧柔寡断的错过，鲁莽的选错，意志力弱的被诱惑。还选什么。不如没得选，大家心没那么野。

心相约

无论看几遍H2都那么教人动容。其实就不过围绕在四个人身上，把故事讲了高中三年。能够成为最畅销漫画的元素，都彻底地具备了。

看看附图就猜到故事情节。二男二女，投手和强打者，你猜是怎样的故事，就是怎样了。









电视版本等了几年，现在看到了。然后再看了一次。无论看几次，我还是会动容。这种动容很私人，象用显微镜看到远远的流星，只可意会不可言传。硬要言传就会变成你现在看到的那样。那是它好看的地方，如果你有用心看的话。用心。

心情有点低落，想用来转换心情。看了变本加厉，实非明智之选。心力交瘁还看就是无薪加班，累啊。没有能够让心情沉淀的容量时，最好还是等等再看。

后来我买了一本书，鲁豫 心相约。真是好看。原来我很喜欢听别人的故事。成长的，旅游的，生活的，惊险的，都可以。难怪养成读别人布落格的习惯。难怪我都爱看真实的故事，难怪都不断地和人分享经历。



没有倾城的样貌，却有着满身的光华，真是个亮丽的女人。

她是凤凰卫视五个元老级之一的主持，跟许戈辉和窦文涛一样。有名的鲁豫有约，凤凰早班车都是她的。最让我觉得亲切的是，她也是个三毛迷。总觉得会喜欢三毛的人，大概都有点怪。或自闭。再不就是喜欢标新立异，造作地爱上非主流。哈哈哈。

她说，我知道，该是梦想照进现实的时候了。

于是，我突然不再心情低落。

如愿以偿

人生不如意十之八九。

以前总是觉得怀才不遇，总是庸庸碌碌地生活，总是做违背自己意愿的事情。长年累月下来总是觉得没什么好事情发生。回忆里挫折的部份不一定最多，却总是最深刻。

就这样，我用了五个总是。

从前爱埋怨时不予我，一丁点挫败就异常委屈，总是想为什么别人总是那么顺利，而自己总是走得战战兢兢，路上崎岖，一波三折。

现在过得又不怎么样，偶尔遇上一些好事，就开心老半天。突然发觉习惯了挫折，好象受挫是最平常不过的事情，一旦发生好事，就高兴得不得了。那是为了如愿以偿而开怀大笑的吧。相较之下，从前天真，因事与愿违而难过；现在历经事故而变得坦然和豁达，小小事情如愿已经高兴得落泪。

那是看见如愿以偿的可贵。人生在世，有多少事情都能如愿。所以人生不如意之事才会十之八九。

我最近总是没劲。今天很想骂人，很想大声讲话，很想呐喊，然后拿起背包早早收工。

完全没有长假回来的爆发力。心情低落，不知道为什么。

转换一下心情。

那是我最喜欢的漫画。