心相约

无论看几遍H2都那么教人动容。其实就不过围绕在四个人身上，把故事讲了高中三年。能够成为最畅销漫画的元素，都彻底地具备了。

看看附图就猜到故事情节。二男二女，投手和强打者，你猜是怎样的故事，就是怎样了。









电视版本等了几年，现在看到了。然后再看了一次。无论看几次，我还是会动容。这种动容很私人，象用显微镜看到远远的流星，只可意会不可言传。硬要言传就会变成你现在看到的那样。那是它好看的地方，如果你有用心看的话。用心。

心情有点低落，想用来转换心情。看了变本加厉，实非明智之选。心力交瘁还看就是无薪加班，累啊。没有能够让心情沉淀的容量时，最好还是等等再看。

后来我买了一本书，鲁豫 心相约。真是好看。原来我很喜欢听别人的故事。成长的，旅游的，生活的，惊险的，都可以。难怪养成读别人布落格的习惯。难怪我都爱看真实的故事，难怪都不断地和人分享经历。



没有倾城的样貌，却有着满身的光华，真是个亮丽的女人。

她是凤凰卫视五个元老级之一的主持，跟许戈辉和窦文涛一样。有名的鲁豫有约，凤凰早班车都是她的。最让我觉得亲切的是，她也是个三毛迷。总觉得会喜欢三毛的人，大概都有点怪。或自闭。再不就是喜欢标新立异，造作地爱上非主流。哈哈哈。

她说，我知道，该是梦想照进现实的时候了。

于是，我突然不再心情低落。

如愿以偿

人生不如意十之八九。

以前总是觉得怀才不遇，总是庸庸碌碌地生活，总是做违背自己意愿的事情。长年累月下来总是觉得没什么好事情发生。回忆里挫折的部份不一定最多，却总是最深刻。

就这样，我用了五个总是。

从前爱埋怨时不予我，一丁点挫败就异常委屈，总是想为什么别人总是那么顺利，而自己总是走得战战兢兢，路上崎岖，一波三折。

现在过得又不怎么样，偶尔遇上一些好事，就开心老半天。突然发觉习惯了挫折，好象受挫是最平常不过的事情，一旦发生好事，就高兴得不得了。那是为了如愿以偿而开怀大笑的吧。相较之下，从前天真，因事与愿违而难过；现在历经事故而变得坦然和豁达，小小事情如愿已经高兴得落泪。

那是看见如愿以偿的可贵。人生在世，有多少事情都能如愿。所以人生不如意之事才会十之八九。

我最近总是没劲。今天很想骂人，很想大声讲话，很想呐喊，然后拿起背包早早收工。

完全没有长假回来的爆发力。心情低落，不知道为什么。

转换一下心情。

那是我最喜欢的漫画。

两个女人

前几天和世君吃KFC。

那是个周日，其他人都不在，只有世君和我在家。才早上十一点多，问要去那里吃午饭。我说我有presentation稿要准备，随便附近吧。她说想吃KFC。我就说好，KFC就KFC。

我们慢慢地走，然后她会很习惯性地讲很多东西。通常是"你知不知道..."，或"我有没有和你讲..."来开场讲一些很平常的东西，象她会到那间学校教书，学生很难教，现在房屋很难找，表哥免费当中介之类。都是一些比柴米油盐好一点的东西。不是你和老公或老婆会讲的东西，而是和家人讲的那种。讲到一半，我打断她说提醒我买洗衣粉和提钱。讲完又继续她的话。

慢慢到了KFC。 她说想吃KFC的popcorn，点菜时犹豫了一下，最后没叫。我知道她蛮想吃，又怕吃不完，因为其实只想尝尝一两块。我就说我叫，公司吃。坐下吃了没多久，她问我多久没有回马六甲。既然提到，我就一大篇故事讲。她也静静地听，偶而插上一两句，或讲些什么有的没的。我没有很刻意隐瞒些什么，都是很自然地，象讲给家人听一样。

我在听的时候，和在讲的时候，都同样窝心。很幸福的感觉。

**************************************************************************

再前阵子和cm吃KFC。在同一间吃。

那天是圣诞节。我的圣诞晚餐是和cm一起吃的。那时文心打电话来问我吃晚餐没，我听到电话另一头开心的声音，知道她和yy一起刚唱完K，转头看见cm在读书，又不象会出去拍拖吃晚饭的样子，我说，我和朋友吃，不去了。

也是慢慢地走去KFC。我和她说些工作上的事情，跟她讲一些不开心的事，或讲人家什么坏话。再不然就跟她闲话家常的胡扯，然后两个人笑成一团。我们两个人都很饿，一共吃了六块鸡，和两份乳酪薯条，一些加点的什么和汽水。然后两人又乱七八糟讲些废话，慢慢走回家。

本来很长的路，突然变得很短。

昨天刚完了presentation，一直沉溺在被误会是博士生的心情里，整个晚上得意忘形。很想炫耀，又怕人家讲傲慢和目中无人。于是一回到家，进去cm的房间坐下讲话。cm大概是kayu之外，能够听懂我工作有关一半以上，又能有共鸣的。所以能够忍受我骄傲自满吧。一开了话头就停不了。连怎样present都可以讲得很好笑。然后商量以后搬家要怎样之类。然后又给我看她以前A Level 的成绩单。那种看了很气的那种, 就是连S Paper 也A那种。她说其实是要给我看上面竟然会有她的华文名。我说好厉害，我的PMR华文也有A， 全校还不到十个。不过其实是要让你知道我的学校华文是必考科。。。

我在和她讲话，或听她炫耀，都同样窝心。很幸福的感觉

**************************************************************************

这是我家的两个女人。

我不知道还能和她们同在屋檐下多久，我只知道，我要好好过每一天。

I swear I love you.

I came across the article from a blogger called Michael Beckman, circulated by haen vee. and this is the 2nd time i read it after the article released back in november last year.

click here and here to read the original articles.

Actually this is nothing much more than losing my tantrum. frankly, i seldom share my political view publicly if you are not willing to listen in the first place.

I have no intention to hard sell how superior is this neighbouring island compare to the mainland besides. everytime the taxi driver complaint about how our(their) leader making comment on each other at any issue that can be quarrel, i feel like a kid listening to the aunty next door say how my mum bully her. and just because i stay with the aunty next door, i was accused of not loving my mum anymore, and being treated more like a visitor than a brother by my siblings every time i go home. and always been seen as just a matter of time before i call another women "mum".

i run away from home because i am looking for a better life, not because of i dislike my mum. if ever there is any valid accusation, it is i love myself more than my mum. and everytime the brothers at home complain about how difficult is their life, there is no solution offered to themselves and to the nation as well, besides feeding their hard earn money into the pocket of the traffic police, and sent the astronaut to make teh tarik in the space. i am sorry i couldn't find a solution for the nation, i can only solve for myself, so i leave for a better place in relative. then i wonder if the choice to stay is decided, why my brothers still want to complain, while on the other hand looking at their brothers stay away from home as "betrayer", if this is too heavy for a word to used. i am not even sure if my brother understand there is a word closer to the fact called "refugee".

Generalize going abroad as do-not-love-your-mum is simply disorientated. it distracted the attention from the reasons of the departure of the kid, to a threatening question: love mum or leave mum. it seems like regardless what's the reason, you do not love your mum anymore as long as you leave, you have to stay in order to show your love. the reason behind have not been addressed properly, or unable to address in the first place. in truth, it is not an issue our brother would like to entertain because it certainly not sth they can change even they try their best. 200 overseas m'sian professionals invited to come back to serve their nation, and none of them stay. by saying the currency or money speaks is just getting the issue too easy and under estimate your own elite away from home. it is the condusive environment and correct culture that matters if you still do not understand now.

Everytime i look at the number of malaysian contribute to the island instead of their own soil, i wonder how much we can achieve if we diverted all this effort into msia. before i figure out the exact progress in equivalent, i figure out how much energy we lost in the process to reach our target. i admit i am severely lack of confidence in our own country, but i just don't want to say "boleh" everytime even when i am self-psycho-ing. i am just feeling frustrated as chinese proverb say 恨铁不成钢.....maybe "激心" is the better word...if you know how to speak cantonese.

i have never like singapore because i never feel like at home. but this is the best option within my reach. so i decided to trade "creativity and freedom" with "justice and integrity" at the expense of "home". there is no right for myself to complain about how ppl's kitchen should looks like because the decision made have accounted for every shortcoming in the package. however, everytime i went home and all i heard is bad news. ....is just too much, i have no energy even listen to them. say i am trying to avoid the problem, say i am putting self-comfort in priority. i wish i am deaf to all the news i heard. i wish i could hear sth motivating and encouraging everytime i go home, not some NGO find out how the government have sign an unfair agreement regarding toll fees, not some minister was found guilty for building expensive house without submitting the plan, not a pathetic RM200 for the banjir victim. A genuine good news is certainly not when you see bad guys kena punished, even it maybe, maybe a beginning for a real good news.

i am concern. i am just helpless.

i do not want to speak for every single msian because most likely there are really ppl who has not feel anything about msia even it disappear one day. but i guess there is always a bunch of msian, not only in singapore, who care about how's the atmosphere and weather in msia from time to time. why care? so that we know if it has become a better place to stay. so when it is time to come back, we would like to stay in our home. opportunistic? if you buy this school of thought i have nothing to say. I just don't want our next generation grown up in a place where i have to teach them how to differentiate a real police instead of going for them when you got rob.

tell me i am naive, but i swear i love you, malaysia.

To you

I know you are not reading this because i didn't tell you i have a blog.

I do not know the reason why you broke up with him because you didn't tell me either.

A relationship of 5 years isn't by chance or coincidence, it must be such a hard fact to take on.

For once I suddenly wanted to call you just to know you are fine even though I have never done so before.

Regardless what's the reason, i hope you do appreciate and grateful for the time you spent together with him, as i still want to say again, 5 years is no by chance. it is part of the life and will be part of the life you have live on.

be happy.

wish you good.

单身

单身，就是一个人。就是你现在想的那个意思。

不过它比很多电影或驾驶规格还要严，就象你从来不说那十岁小毛头单身。十八岁也不可以。到了可以投票给反对党的年龄，都还不够格。对了，就是你现在想的那个年龄。

到了某个时候，单身就是没结婚了。跟有没有爱情是不相干的，想是当时爱情和婚姻可以划上等号的年代，单身恐怕也是同一个年头诞生。连填英文表格都只有 Single或married而没有in a relationship. 只有friendster有。看，这个世代看事情和前辈有点分别吧。

婚姻以前不一定是一种选择，现在是。可是到了现在单身仍未必是一种选择。简单说，想单身的可以不结婚，不想单身的可不一定有婚结。

单身是一种生活技能吧，要学习的。虽然出路不止一个，可是还是会听到说，那老了怎么办。那是想要逃课所以结婚吧。理由确是很荒谬，不过正反映出每一个单身和结了婚的人，心中的忧虑，也都害怕孤单和寂寞。那种生活技能学来干嘛，实在不是什么值得骄傲的才华。

我说，有空还是学学好，有技能的单身是投资，没技能的单身是想投机，结果早注定了的。

给所有单身的朋友，没人爱的话，就爱自己罢了。虽然渴望被爱而不得，都只是遇不上罢了。非关优劣。当仅仅走着狗屎运看吧。

选择

今天在准备明天要重复的一个试验。上次失败，干等了两个星期。我在想我会有多少两个星期来付每一次的失败。

试验好象很浪费青春。我一边干活一边想，手不停脑也没闲着。想，没有包成功的方程式，太不划算了，青春有限哪。

这时脑海闪过我的一路走来。

我想起很多事情。而且，最近我的记忆力变得超好，专门不忘记一些芝麻绿豆的小事。对，就象女人翻旧账一样可怖(恶)。因此，我想起了更多的事情。

比如锦兰第一次载我去万里望爬山时车上播着的是张学友的纽约的司机驾着北京的梦。

比如看流星雨时阿冰在唱王菲的红豆。

比如我在B-8-3看见一张折半朱红色卡片写着张学友的真情流露歌词 "我缺点胜别人 你却费尽心神 把我留起"。

象这种类型程度的回忆。

若有更多的刺激，我会想起更多事情。而那种刺激，多半是歌曲或歌词。因为我现在正听着曾淑勤的鲁冰花。另外象气味或者声音，一些时间胶囊般的东西也会。

试验可以重来，人生不可以。无论有着怎样的过去，尽管唏嘘与惆怅，人生终究无法再来一次。错过或者把握，都只是人生的一部份，是个选择的后果。如果你无法 选择过怎样的人生，你可以选择怎样过即有的人生。虽然我不后悔是因为不想去后悔，而有太多事情就算几千个两个星期，也是付不起的。

谢谢回忆。我要说别了。

别再见了。

写到这里，突然发觉选择英文叫C-H-O-I-C-E。

如有雷同纯属巧合。

天使

我以为，天使有轻微自虐倾向。

对一个女孩很好是因为喜欢她，却完全没有要她喜欢自己而去对她很好的企图。然后还可以象个悲剧英雄般对一个不再爱你的人说，以后无论什么时候，只要一个电话，我会马上出现在你面前。他是伤心时才找的，快乐时是用来忘记的。

听起来是女人的福气。比朋友甜蜜，却不用象对男朋友付出那么多，谁不想要一个这样的守护天使。不要也只是因为良心发现，所以还没发现时最好听内心的。

天使默默付出，女人静静接受。象愿打和愿挨的道理一样，我又没有用枪指着你的头迫你，只是如果有被枪指着头的话会比较容易隐藏天使的身份罢了。

不计付出的奉献，听起来很伟大，也很笨。只是我不会看不起笨天使，因为如果可以选的话，谁要做天使。不苟同不代表不了解，只是有很多人没吃过爱情的苦，认为那时自找的。那是有钱人笑穷人饿死是不去买饭吃。真是大有道理呢。一定是没听见不苟同不代表不了解。你是不了解才不苟同，混球。

爱是黑洞，填也填不满。有一天你发觉失去天使的翅膀时，发现已经没有多余的爱可以奉献。已被掏空的心，倾尽了所有的一切，再无余力去爱。那时，你拖着疲惫的身躯，却只能看见一片苍凉。天使的下场都是一样凄凉的。

如果，你是一个天使，我是来告诉你天使的代价，当作圣诞礼物。

圣诞节快乐。

Satisfaction

The moment I look at (think of) the outstanding tasks yet to be done, I feel such a massive weight behind my head, all the time. when i wake up, when i go for lunch, when i sit on the toilet bowl. The only time i have not think of it may be when i was under general anaesthesia in the surgery.

And there is not much i can do now because things are not ready. not because I am not ready. this is exactly like a soccer player so eager going back to the pitch but the fractured forth metatarsal is not recovered yet. i say, waiting is the best way for the stress to build up.

I sit in front of the pc for 7 hours today. just to screen and read all the papers I need to (have to) cite, which is thing i hate to do the most.....because reading scientific reports is a very dry and brain intensive process. it exhausts brain stamina, tiring. maciam play 200 mnutes soccer match full pitch with 10 vs 11. and i can never understand why scientists like to use difficult descriptions when there is easier and reader-friendly way of expression. maybe by the time i am about to finish my paper or the reviewer reject for the 3rd time, i would understand.

so by 7pm today, i finished 50Mb of reports in pdf.

I am so satisfied.

This is incredible. and i think what's enough is enough. This would be the only time for a 7 hours sci-reading-streak.

because i have blur vision and guess it wouldn't go away until i wake up tml.

悠长假期

今天是长假最后一天。

打从上星期三动手术开始，躲在家里呆了三天。有世君在，还可以讲讲话，然后他有很多东西做的，那种家庭主妇爱做的事。去什么地方买东西啊，或把沙发套拿去洗之类。反正我闲着，也就乐得帮忙，然后学煮粥给自己吃。

结果现在很厉害煮粥。敢吃就来。

周末简直是在发飙，象很久没放纵那种。下午玩百万富翁，晚上去看戏，宵夜时就破戒吃东西了，回到家还可以继续看曼联。星期天在Vivocity从早到晚逛了一天，回到家已经晚上，然后看死亡笔记漫画。象梦游一样过完两天。

昨 天拆线后上街去，走到MPH书局看见汉英字典，想起文心，就打了电话给他。再走一下，我看见一出叫Mirmo Zibang的动画，一出妙君想要看很久却又找不到的。那边全十四集，缺第六。问店主，说乌节路的店有第六。我想了想，拿了1-5，然后一口气就付钱了。 回到家静一静时，心里其实有一点点后悔，又不是什么特别的人，竟然还那么慷慨，真的不便宜呢。而且，那是他三，四年前叫我们随便一个有BT的帮他下载。那 时听都没听过那动画，我看Naruto的嘛。一下就没放在心上了，反正又不是我的女朋友。然后有点庆幸，还好14缺6。要不，我八成全买了。

然后我打了一个电话给妙君。
我说，有空吗。
她说，约我什么事，有东西给我啊。妈的。好大的自信。原来他随口猜什么都会中，难怪。
我只好说要给你圣诞礼物。
他问是什么，
我说，你那么聪明，你猜啊。
他想不出，
我说，你一定会喜欢的。
他说，不要那么神秘，会有很高期望的。怕会失望，所以不猜。他说这句话的时候是用很开心很开心的语气在笑的。
我想，现在不大你等几时，就说，高就高，我才不怕达不到期望。这回我很有信心。

结果约了周末。

然后我现在又后悔讲过那种话了。因为在我听到他很开心的语气那一刻，我已经有念头去乌节路买剩下的6-14。妈的。

去不去呢?

去，这叫买笑。而且这笑很贵。

不去，有点半桶水，没点干脆。

去? 不去?