一万年

我们注定失去一些东西，也注定错过一些缘份才会学会珍惜。到底，有些缘分是永远不会有结果的。张曼娟说那叫有缘无份，缘少，缘浅，终究不是缘少得根本没遇见。只是遇见了，却无法在一起。

喜欢一个人的时候不要说是爱一个人，爱一个人也不要说是拥有，但拥有了一定要珍惜，别在事后懊悔说如果当初什么什么的，然后再力图挽回。一万年的誓约震憾人心，风靡千万，却教人忘记那凄美的一万年，背后只的是一个不会珍惜而后悔的平凡人。他不是什么深情种子，只是可惜那片曾经肥沃的田地，如今一片荒芜与苍凉。

如果我不小心流下一滴眼泪，那时因为我不愿意忘记你是谁。

永保安康

她轻靠我的肩
车票握在手心里面
窗外风景变换倒退
思绪回到有你的从前
像小说的情节
你我曾爱的浪漫缠绵
用了心想要完成每个誓约
祈祷爱情可以永不变
叹世界太多变
如今是她和我依偎
我怎能不抱歉
听说你仍紧锁着心扉
我好挂念我好挂念
我仍关心你的一切
只是很单纯像朋友久违
想要知道你都顺遂
我会想念我会想念
我会祝福你到永远
若你也记得那些昨天
永保安康
是我们最后的诺言

family

I've almost forgotten how a family should function.

I've lost my father for many years, not because he rests in peace, it was because he left the family. My mum then pulled through probably the toughest period of her life, and now we all grown up all thanks to her. It is something an outsider can never experience.

Regardless what's the form of a family, a complete family should include father and mother. It is quite upset for my mum to hear this, the actual fact is we never lack of a single piece of maternal love; yet no matter what, the absence after the departure of my father is irreplaceable and is dearly missed. It wasn't my mum's fault; the boot was still empty regardless how she tried.

I moved into a new place and ej's parents came for a visit. Over the period they stayed here, I thought we were in a family. I laughed at ej and brother they probably drown in the maternal/paternal love, as all of the housekeeping was well taken care. But that wasn't the most important one, it was when i saw how they communicate and live as a family. Respect, appreciation, care, tolerance, acceptance and understanding; they probably know each other so well.

It strikes me at once. I thought I felt the "family".

I said to my bro once, maybe it is a good thing our father left the family so we all grown up in a way as we are now, because my mentality and the way I think did make a great shift after my father had left. Perhaps, it wasn't a bad thing after all because I am quite pleased with the person as who am I now. I certainly do not agree with a lot of my character in the past. Not entirely being influenced but it just appears never get out of his shadow. And I guess the reason I severely lack of confidence today was due to accumulate unappreciated effort and recognition over the years. Making excuse for this doesn’t help; I am just trying to make sense of what has happened to me. Maybe it will help me understand myself better.

It was his departure that make today's mine. i didn't learn anything from him as far as i can remember, I learn a lot of characters from my mum, both good one and bad one. But it was him who makes me developed. From what my mum has told (cos i dun remember who is he and how he behave), I thought I certainly surpass him as a person.

I am pleased.

Reshuffling. New house. New life.

I am moving into a new house this saturday. it's going to end my 22 months tenancy in sm's place. i am getting a little excited and looking forward to it.

while i am packing i started throwing things away, including a lot a lot of letters over the years when i was undergrad. i was very diligent back then. =)
btw lets get back to what i wanted to say.....so what bother me now is what we call "companionship".

it wasn't the first time i feel lonely. if you are aware there were even entries i stated it bluntly. everyone say be strong and independent. so, how, you tell me. human are by nature animals live in group, it just happened that some do adapt better living alone over time. when i was in the hall, there are so many ppl around and i choose to be alone most of the time. and getting a little anti social towards the end.

when i moved out from hostel, i missed the presence of my friends dearly. i was never been completely detached from the hall anyway, it just gradually move on to the life i am having now. i am now live without the hall, except the badminton court. and the pool table. i am completely fine with the life now. it was a little difficult to have a meal on your own for the first time, but it will become a normal practice sooner than imagined.

regardless i was adapted to live alone, to a certain extent, i found it is nothing to do with ...how strong and independent are you. there are feeling and opinion genuinely generated from bottom of your heart. jelousy, loneliness, happiness, depression etc, as well as the need for companionship. we were always told you must be stronger, tougher....what's wrong with having a weaker character? PREFERRED NOT to be alone is not a sin. CANNOT live alone is just...desperate.

we were told to be strong and tough and independent. it's like feeling lonely is a negative reflection of your character. like you are forever-never-grown-up-spoilt-brat. this thought deeply confused me. i thought we were born to have our own character, exhibit different attributes. some can live alone better but some don't.

i guess the real point doesnt lie on how strong/independent are you. it is HOW YOU RESPOND to the emptiness and loneliness. taking out of the context, you naturally feel jealous when your gf went out with her ex. you very upset for not making into second upper class by 0.007. there are ppl cannot stand one to feel jealous, like it is very..not gentlemen; or feeling disappointed for the 0.007 is being plain weak.

give me a break, folks.

living weak is not entirely wrong in its own way. self psycho to make yourself a stronger person? don't make me laugh man. no one can get away from it until the day we understand our own feeling. i know i am happy today, i know i am sad today. i feel lonely now, go for a movie with friend; i feel jealous, but she was comfortable even the last time i went out with my first crush. it's nothing wrong being yourself as...weak/jealous/sad/depressed/angry/frustrated/bored, as long as you know how to respond to the emotion and feeling.

I am looking forward to the new life in the new house.

I prefer to stay with friends.

I don't want to stay on my own.

Senai

and today i were back. from ipoh, taking airasia, reached senai in 50 minutes. i am not going to take bus anymore.

so actually i were back to the place that set the best fullstop in my undergrad. a dearly belated reminder of the trip. 2 years anniversary of sabah trip just passed. it was 28th April...7th May 2004.

here we go, senai airport...(xxx Ismail xxx airport, actually, cant remember damn.)



stand like idiot there waiting for the flight.

it was like maciam tourist trip...i mean leading a tourist trip. cos most of them cannot speak malay, together with some extra-TLC-required malaysian, haha. wait very long edi i supposed but din feel it cos keep talking(walking) around, the most relaxing days in my years since i came to singapore. tell you i nvr rested for the past 4 yrs, i burn my sem break and 3 month holidays for sth now seems useless but exciting back then. so time is up, check in.



then walking happily into the plane.



then chop the seat and take photos, a lot a lot of photos on the flight. AirAsia only dude. seldom take flight, so very excited. here comes me, sc, jy, egon n fiona at the back.



go to alot of places. this is a place called Fairy Garden that named after kayu......



.....who is not in the photo because she was downstair shooting THAT photo....with the most sunshining smile of the year...



and before leaving the place, trying to entertain the highest maintainance-required member dorothy...



nvr make it to the peak. so trying to console ourselves by taking a not-so-far-away photo. the mount kinabalu. and all the guys....MAN. haha.



and make it even closer. at kaki bukit edi. Everyone now. the only full strength photo. The ONLY one, i also dunno why only one shot, at the place that we nvr make it in somemore.



rent the van to take us anywhere we want. RM2700 per van per 10 days ok? this van got a plate number 4337. but driver is driver, taking photo damn lousy...hand shake one.



went to this place called Poring, got water fall and hot spring one. behind mount kinabalu.....so trekking to the upstream. so going up.



reach the top edi. the toughest journey...keep fighting with leeches. ass. record 3 seconds in water the feet got 3 leeches edi. 1 leeches per second...and damn, why girls like to put their face so close together?



you see....guys don't.



Pengakap also don't. they play brokeback mountain and dragon ball. want to combine. his name is ansley. beware of him. and enoch got his half underwear exposed.



and got these duo..duo...gay, trying to be funny. the one surrender first have to being called a gay. cannot argue.



Then go to pulau tiga, the survival island......



do a lot of sports....soccer.....



.........snookers........



.......rock climbing....



.....life saving....



and peeing.



with the mission impossible.....i swear: i wanna pond ah bairn..



then the advisor thinks...



thinker also thinks....



and then ah bairn fall into the trap. lure her. act friendly first.


after that is 18PG. censored.

so we proceed to rafting. team of the year. alamak, me, kayu, mabel and ah bairn.



then go to drink sabah coconut juice. i thought got difference.



then go all the way north towards Kudat to see funny thing like this...



this...



and this.



then we were at the tip of Borneo edi.





went to University Malaysia Sabah (UMS).



....and all the Life Sciences graduate take photo.



so this is actually day 9 edi if you are not aware of. all sleep like a dead dog.



say good bye to sabah.



and say good bye to Air Asia.



and say good bye to ourselves.







and sleep again.



and again.



and then wake up from the dream, we started our life again. go honours. go working. go army. go NIE.

the best trip after CP 97'.

kayu

kayu is my ultimate mentor.

she was right again. she probably going to be right again next.

Cool, intelligent, wise, rational, sensible, compassionate, soft and tough.

this is the N times i've said, she always give me insight enlightens me. she has thought of every single word before she says, typically short and precise. quotes are full of immense wisdom.

she is a friend that will make you grow. in rare occasion she is inspirational.

went to drink sake, like the smell of the ethanol i used to wipe the culture hood.

and she was right again, yesterday.

Imitation

Imitation is the best form of flattering.

this is all about confidence, which i found out these years, we all lack of confident from that kind of environment. we hope we are like someone and never comfortable as who we are. ya that's the line, 'comfortable with yourself'.

we say, be yourself. you never know how hard it is when it's not merely by the mouth. do you have the gut to say no and say yes whenever your heart tells? you trying damn hard to make up an image that ppl like to look at, or to fit into ppl's expectation. you want to be a nice guy, you try to please everyone you know, you don't want to be yourself. but your mouth says me is me.

but is that you?

no, that's not. because you afriad of ruin a relationship, family, friends, whoever. this is a sign of insecurity, a reflection of the emptiness in one's heart. fear of irritate a person, or make them not happy. i thought you just said you are glad because the ppl surrounding accept you as who you are? or you create a personality that is easily accepted by tom dick harry....anyone?

you hate copy cat, i don't.

because imitation is the best form of flattering.

Sentimental me

i guess vs is right in a way. these few days vs's words seem affects me more than usual....

we were talking about what you hv seen in the previous entry.

vs: dont be so sentimental la
me: sentimental your head, i am just sensible
vs: not right, mine is more suitable to describe you
me: how to say? dun anyhow bluff
vs: just admit it la
me: i am not
vs: as you like
me: strong and tough
vs: you are strong and tough in some areas but still sentimental
me: sigh.....
vs: see, sentimental again
me: %$@#%^

today i realise she is still the person that know me very well.

today i am feeling heavy. because the lab is unusually quiet. and there was actually an unpublished entry that describe it. now publish it here because it's censored version, keke. wrote on good friday eve in the lab. suddenly too free, think too much...become sentimental again.

Today supposed to be a good day
it is a day for an end of a 10 months run
so why am i feeling so down
i wasn't realise there is strong sense of attachment
until i found the place is too quiet to be condusive
There are faces that i spent the days together
who brought the noise to my lonely desk
and screw up things that enough to get a fish
before we make a good laugh at each other
Tomorrow is Good Friday, and today is supposed to be a good day

i go everywhere and it reminds me of the past. i am a bloody animal lives on the memory, damn it. i go pantry, i go to that table in canteen, i saw the seat in front of the pc, i saw the 10% media, i saw the diluent buffer, i saw the slides with the hand writting, i saw the locker, i saw the lab coat. i remember the cryostat, i remember the cell count, i remember the multichannel, i look at the mess left on the table, i look at the documents on the desktop.

there is no ppl going to bug me, there is no ppl who is going to ask me where is the stuff, there is no ppl call me why the FACS machine not working. Anymore.

vs, the mirror.

be a bad guy

vs sent me the article in previous entry through MSN. cut and paste.

she said she a bit worry. i asked worry of what. i scared you become a bad guy, she replied.

hell.

i wonder if she will glad to see me with a gf who loves me more or i holding the title 'a good guy' firmly, if i am the one she prefer to describe. this is not infernal affair, and i am not andy lau, i dun want to be a good guy. good guy no good end.

the reason i write this entry is because i think it may be the bingo hit....ok, the real reason is i want to declare it is true.

it reminds me of stephen chow's KungFu hustle. i want to be a bad guy too.

there are always stories of how a guy has an affair, or immoral, and hurts a girl down to the hell. there are millions of article out there to speak for the girls. and it is ironic that it's all the good girls who create most if not all of the bad guys. guys need girls, for various reasons, lonely, thirst of sex, in search of a wife, enjoy being confined, desperate for a baby boy, or even simply want to try. maybe lack of maternal love, too.

i told her this is the last thing i will compromose. after tt i laughed at myself, what a liar...i want to be a bad guy NOW!!!muhahhahahha!

男人......

十岁以前,他什么都不懂,就不说了。

十三、四岁的时候,开始对女孩有好感,但是那时候他离女孩远远的,并且以讨厌女孩自居,生怕被同伴嘲笑。

十五岁的时候,听到大人们说某某男人好花,把女朋友甩了,女孩自杀了。他觉得这人真狠毒,自己将来一定要做个痴情的男人,一定要一生只爱一个人。

十六岁的时候,他喜欢上了一个女孩,但是他不敢和她说。仍然和往常一样,脏兮兮的在灰土飞扬的操场上踢球。只在女孩走出校门的时候,躲在二层的窗户上看她的背影,他觉得她一定是个天使。

十七岁的时候,有个女孩喜欢上了他,但是他离她很远,他心里面只有自己那个女孩,他觉得看别的女孩都是对她的不忠。

十八岁的时候,看了一个MTV,感动得想哭,他想,如果自己的女孩失去了双眼,他一定会像男主角会毫不犹豫的把自己的眼睛给她,让她能看到光明。

十九岁的时候,高考了。终于和自己暗恋的女孩分别,坐火车去学校的时候,感觉自己离她越来越远,心像被掏空了一样。还在想自己一定不会忘记她,等到自己成功以后一定要去找她。

二十岁的时候,听到有人讲黄色笑话,觉得这人真可耻。

二十一岁的时候,她的回信中告诉他,自己有了男朋友。偷偷的哭了一个晚上。

二十二岁的时候,他向一个女孩表白,女孩说“你是个好人,可是我还小。”他想,我的确是个好人,他说“没关系,我可以等你。”心想,我不会像那些花心的人一样,三年五年我也能等。

二十三岁的时候,说自己还小的女孩和一个帅哥恋爱了。他很纳闷,长大原来可以这样快。

二十四岁的时候,他又向一个女孩表白,女孩说“你是个好人,可是我并不适合你。” 他纳闷很久,我是好人你怎么还不适合我呢?

二十五岁的时候,他又追求一个女孩,女孩接受了他。他开始很幸福的为未来拼搏,他想,一时的开心只是暂时的,只有努力拼搏,他和她才能有快乐的未来,但是,半年以后,女孩和他分手了。只是因为另外一个男孩会说让她开心的话。女孩说“你是个好人,是我对不起你。”

他似乎明白了问题所在,他是个好人。

二十六岁的时候,他开始堕落,交网友。打扮得时尚而酷,而且渐渐的学习着讨好女孩的话。不久,他有了个女朋友,虽然他对她也很好,可是,他心里知道,自己并不爱她。

二十七岁的时候,他和女孩分手了。他对女孩说“你是个好女孩,是我对不起你。”

二十八岁的时候,他尝试了一夜情,发现别人能做的,自己也一样。

二十九岁的时候,他学会了讲黄色笑话,并且以看旁边的女孩子脸红为乐趣。

三十岁的时候,他忽然发现自己变得很有能力追求到女孩,但是却没有了爱的能力。

其实每个男孩,本来都是想做一个感情专一的好男人的。

其实每个男孩,本来看女孩子都是看脸而不是胸部的。

其实每个男孩,本来都是不会讲黄色笑话的。

其实每个男孩,本来都是渴望爱一个人直到永远的。

只是,没有任何女孩爱这样的男孩,她们觉得这样的男孩太幼稚,太古板,没有情趣。

于是男孩开始改变,变成女孩喜欢的那种嘴角挂着坏坏。开始学会说甜言蜜语而不是心里想说的话。开始学会假装关心,学会给女孩送小饰物讨好她,学会如何追求,如何把握爱情。或者看破红尘,游戏情场,成为女人恨恨的那
种男人。

他们可以很容易俘获女孩子的心,但是他们也会在黑的夜里叼着烟流泪。心里有爱的时候,没有女孩。有了女孩,却永远没有了爱的感觉。在听到女人抱怨世上没有一个好男人时候, 他们不会再去努力做个好男人,只是微笑着擦肩而过。