Sigh.

I suddenly do not know if this is fair to me. I have lost my faith.

Being critized so heavily for what a mistake due to inexperience, i can only say that is not what i expect from you as a person whom i know so well. and it wasn't a one off incident in so many years. it happened twice in the past 3 weeks.

To be frank, those are things that i would listen and carefully adopt if necessary, even if you tell it on my face. But you don't have to make it sounds like i have just made a mistake that you need to lost your job. because i do not think i deserved such critiques for a line i wrote in an email to a sales person, and the alignment in the first draft only for self-reference purposes.

These are things we learn by experience, who the hell know how to write a decent email before writing for many times? who the hell know how to align the figure the first time? and it is only my own draft! even that is the format you will see later, it is just a minor adjustment.

you don't have to make a big fuss.

I suddenly wonder what's your thought if one day you can't win an argument in an encounter with valid evidence. Maybe you can't out-rule or dismiss the proof that is so undisputable, i was just wondering, just wondering, what's in your mind when you know you are forced to swallow your own word.

I don't know what is in your mind. I only know what i have lost.

I have no interest to make someone regret to grow me up, but i hope if ever there is an argument, i hope i am being convinced, not forced to accept. Through out the years, I've proven I possess the ability and the gut to take critiques, that is exactly why you see i'm getting better, getting so better that you will now need a bigger heart and character to accept i've outgrown the place in certain areas.

Yet you dun need to pick up my inexperience minute mistake and tell me i'm not as competent.

My best strength is obviously not my confident, it is the ability to measure my own strength accurately.

Depression

It was such a lengthy period i have had. And, still it was left to myself to pull it through, with some mental assist from someone else. How i wish i could do better than that.

Stuck in depression was certainly a haunting experience.

When one was so weak and fragile, it is very easy to be influenced, affected or ill-advised.

无聊排行榜

在巴士上看见一个国小生，肥肥的，背个四方大书包，看得出那件烫好的校衣两下就变咸菜，就很容易被老师盯上那类。他靠窗，拼命在呵气玩，呵了窗上就有蒸气，稍把头俯下，用鼻子擦掉蒸气。一直重复，旁若无人，独自乐融融。还会用鼻子写字或画些图案什么的，或呵大气来扩大鼻子的可发挥面积。甚至和蒸气面消失的速度比赛，看先画完或蒸气先消失。无聊顶透，幼稚极了。

觉得很肮脏的同时忍不住想笑，还没决定好要不要皱眉头，就发觉原来自己早已失去享受无聊的能力。

很久很久以前，会有很多很多无聊的念头，无论何时何地，创意源源不绝，有东西有人的地方就有花招。而且，人多就会有原动力去开发新点子，如果人家买你账还会让你的社会地位节节上升，以后有好东西人家就会想叫你。现在看来，以前的我(们)比巴士小胖幸福得多，有很多玩伴，不用一个人自己玩。

小时候被管得很严，在家要读书做功课，不可吵闹等等。一大堆表哥表弟表姐表妹都被舅舅舅母们送过来，一起读书。现在看来我觉得那是最最最烂的安排。七个小毛头，只需要一个大鬼头就可以变身，欠缺的只是一个月圆之夜。一到大人有事出门，最好是宴会，那么在那几个小时之间肯定有事情发生。大鬼头会先提议，然后一起发作，没有人会再想起现在几点。

先是搬开家私制造空间，把所有沙发丢在一起形成一个沙发海，玩跳水。比赛谁可以从最高跳下。玩了一下，大家会觉得有点单调，有人就会开始捉住人来摔跤。通常一个弱的会被先干，然后大鬼头就会很顺理成张地站出来分派，平均一下力量。然后又很顺理成张地在几秒间安排好比赛对阵表，谁先谁后，然后开始比赛。到了中途会有人犯规，裁判会维护赛会地位，伸张正义。而这个裁判员通常也是大鬼头。中间还会不停加入点子，比如关灯玩，或可以接力，或实力悬殊的强方要被约束只用左手等等。

小学进了学校就认识朋友。那时流行四大天王，还有很多流行曲。有人就会开始抄歌词，到了最后出现一本歌簿，还奉上作曲填词编曲资料。班上的人会很团结地沉迷，传来传去，歌簿翻到烂，而且只能让字体漂亮的人抄。到后来一到有空就围着一起唱，从最新的唱回头，会有热门或必唱的，每个人都爱。

上了中学，校服有名字。是个name tag。不同年纪就不同颜色，后面有扣针，用来扣在校服左边口袋上方。扣那个name tag是一件很麻烦的事，不带还会被学长抄名。就不知道谁先开始，大家以脱掉别人的name tag为乐，还要神不知鬼不觉。通常先假假讲话转移注意力，然后一招鬼影神偷单手除name tag。鬼影神偷很难练，要不重不轻把name tag压在那个人的胸，以比爱抚重一点，比胸袭轻很多的力道，一个‘上-下-横’的动作，要一连串一气呵成，‘上’用力下‘放松’，扣针就打开，name tag就随着那个‘横’的动作被除下来了。摸胸的动作要很自然，不可唐突；若‘横’的动作没练好的话，不但夺不下name tag，扣针还会开着‘挂’在那家伙的胸前。随便一动就会被扎。

后来还流行扯出校服。学校规定校服都要塞好，可是就有人会扯出你的衣服，前后左右都有可能，防不胜防。迅速的轻轻一拉，校服就跑出来了。快快塞好前面，后面来了。塞好后面，前面又来袭击。就这样，可以玩上好几个月，天天上学在一级警报状态。然后还喜欢踢后脚，跟在后面随着前人脚步，就在前面的人后脚抬起的杀那，向内踢。如果后脚是左脚就会踢到他自己的右脚， 不然则反之。就没有人要走前面，到后来会变成一列平行，没人要走前面也没人抢到后面。

Dirian lompat jauh 是体育节考试用的，就是双脚齐列，稍微张开，在没有助跑的情况下纯粹以脚力向前跳，看可以跳多远。那时二米是个Bench Mark, 大家跳上瘾，在课室内每换节就有比赛。还会用粉笔画下，量有多远，有记录有排名，超级无敌有规划管理。我还记得清清楚楚那个纪录保持人是谁，当年以二点六二米傲视群雄。排徊在二点三以下，我很快就放弃Dirian lompat jauh了。原地跳厌了，跳楼梯。一样的Dirian lompat jauh， 这次还要向上跳。三到四个梯级是什么人都可以的，到了五个就有点需要脚力，六级就要加多一点点腰力。而Bench Mark，在七个梯级。除了脚力和腰力要够强，最重要的是勇气。七级其实就及胸了，如果跳失败，你的膝盖连下面那条腿骨就会狠狠地撞在石灰梯级上，搞不好会骨折，让人大笑三个月。没有多少个能跳七个，敢跳的更少。不好意思，我是其中一个。

我们也有斯文的。那时吃饱没事做，就把名字连在住处一起，到处帮人家取名。那时有白兰Thong(白兰园)，太平心(Jalan Chung Thye Pin)，乒乓Kei(乒乓花园), 大街Loong(怡保大街), 卫星蚊(卫星市), 巴占祥(巴占)，昆仑B(昆仑喇叭)等等，等等。当然，你要会广东话。。。

有够无聊吧。

同心而离居，忧伤以终老

在一个和低落心情角力的晚上，漫无目的地阅读网上的文章。

再说一次(<-- 可以按)，我因喜欢分享生活经验而习惯了阅读别人的部落格。

而偏偏，就在这时，我突然很难过。阅读别人的部落格，只是我单方面不停地吸收，根本谈不上什么分享。而我自己的部落格，从一开始就没有闲杂人等，只有亲密的朋友。我其实非常不想告诉你，我是一个会寂寞却不甘懦弱的人。

我很讨厌告诉别人我很闷，要不要去旅行；也会在很需要一双耳朵的时候，却倒头大睡。

那个"同心而离居，忧伤以终老"，上一句是还顾望旧乡，长路漫浩浩。说的是游子离乡，想回家而不得。却同时重叠式地将女子想念丈夫之情寄于其中。是一首含蓄的婉曲，比较女人，隐藏着文字无法说明的意韵。

我突然明白为什么人会读到感动的文章。通常是那些把话说到你心坎里的，而你自己花了几百年依旧整理不出个头绪那种。你读到一个情绪出口，于是，郁积在心里的情绪突然有了渲泄的管道，一下子释放出来。如果心里的管道不够大条，就会涨到从眼睛溢出来。

因为我读到-"说实话我已经不相信了，这话听起来太像安慰了"。

在这里(<-- 可以按)，是我自己的寻人启事。十九个月前写的，有点天真。因为沉溺在J的事情里。原来，时间还过得真快。却想起一首歌叫’对的人‘。

爱虽然很美妙却不能为了寂寞又陷了泥沼

爱要耐心等待 仔细寻找 感觉很重要
宁可空白了手 等候一次 真心的拥抱
我相信在这个世界上
一定会遇到对的人出现在眼角

我身边女人不少，却总是什么也没发生。我也无法为了寂寞又陷入泥沼，因为我不甘懦弱的同时，并无法爱上陌生人。

在这里 (<-- 可以按)也许你有一些共鸣，或曾经有过。你可以毫不介意毫不犹豫毫不留情地对号入座，因为那都不是罪过。

说得真好，我也希望能早点被通知。

It is at Jurong East

Yah i just moved house. before i start let's see what's Jamie Yeo said.



"Moving is stressful. So VERY stressful..... packing and unpacking, getting rid of the old furniture... have all but rendered me thoroughly exhausted. But the worst is over. And I'm now settling nicely into the new place.....Sentiments have no place when one is relocating. It takes a hardened heart to throw away old trinkets, keepsakes, moldy love letters, old high school grade slips, etc....I think memories make us who we are. They form the very essence of our lives and guide us towards our future chapters..... That's what life is all about, isn't it? Living... learning....loving.... experiencing... laughing...crying....and remembering"

Read the original article here.

Jamie Yeo is an Arsenal fan who host Nokia FootballCrazy in ESPN Star Sports. yeah, a sweetie pie who supports Arsenal.

In many ways, her thought smells familiar to me, maybe I buy her idea that's why. But certainly not because she is sweet, I swear, unless she is a Man Utd fan. =)

I thought i was quite tough when relocating. I throw things away ruthlessly, that's why I have little stuff to move around even this is the 5th year i am in Singapore. Over the past 5 years I didn't seem to accumulate things. Because I clear up my things, i mean, CLEAR UP.

But when comes to memories, I am the one that can never forget minute details when it registered in my mind. Read across the old entries you'll realized I'm an animal that feed on memory in order to live. But it was a brutal version of Jamie Yeo's quote.

I am glad I have enough memories to move on. The Block 299 old house is a place where I spent my time worth remembering. Not sure if i will sentimental enough to keep that place in mind for years to come, but the house I am staying now will probably be another part of my story.

One things i learn from past experience was, memories are meant to be the strength and reason to move on, instead of a mental barrier to overcome before we open our heart to new memory.

We don't need to forget, "life is about remembering", remember?

N/A

I am tired, exhausted and burnt.

Blank mind. Not happy.

Not sad either. just, "--less", means nothing or empty.

No time to enjoy the new place. no mood. no energy too. means nothing or empty.

Nil and without anything.

I moved into new house; I was stuck in the midst of unfinished tasks; I was threaten by foreign workers; I was give in to argue something I was right; I was tied up by all the chores; I was accumulating dissatisfaction in lab.

I feel empty. I feel nothing. Don't even remember I have gone through everything that happened.

Literally, I have no mental preparation and mood for anything and everything. An auto-mode from 0830 to 0030.

Give me a break.

月红日。姨妈至也。

汉末，有女名佳，年方二八，自幼父母双亡，承欢姨娘。日久，媒事渐多，女独喜李郎。

李生多情，私会家中。几要亲近，忽闻屐声。佳曰：姨妈至。李生藏。

甘露后，李生纳媒，佳入李门。洞房之时，李郎宽衣拔蜡，欲行云雨。佳逢月红，羞言，曰：姨妈至。李郎顿悟，停房事。

至此，李佳氏（例假时）月红日，惯曰：姨妈至。

*******************************************************************************

好好，这是来翻译的。

汉朝末期，有个姑娘叫佳儿，二十八岁，从小父母双亡，跟姨妈住。后来，慢慢地上门提亲的多了，可是佳儿只喜欢一个姓李的男生。

李生很咸湿，偷偷在佳儿家中幽会。有次想要缠绵，突然听到鞋子走来的声音。佳儿就说，是姨妈来。李生就藏起来。

不久，李生提亲，佳儿嫁入李门。要洞房的时候，李老公脱光光想要。佳儿刚好月经，羞答答地说，姨妈来。李生顿时明白，不再索求。

到了今天，李佳氏月经时都叫着，姨妈来了。

Chronic Inflammation

If you don't know what is chronic inflammation, in Chinese layman term it's called 慢性发炎.

Chronic = 慢性
Inflammation = 发炎

Inflammation is a general symptom that our body response to injury, irritation or infection. The inflammation is a body auto-response that is supposed to help you recover from injury, irritation or infection. Besides the above chronic inflammation, there is another kind called acute inflammation, 急性发炎.

Acute = 急性

you heard 急性盲肠炎 before right? Acute Appendicitis. Literally it is an acute (急性) inflammation (炎) of the appendices (盲肠). 盲肠急性发炎. Since is is so 急, that's why the patient cannot wait, must operation fast to take out the inflamed appendices. if it is chronic appendicitis, as we know it is that 慢, that's why you heard some people said they last for few weeks/months before they have operation.

盲肠发炎 is inflammation of appendices; if inflammation happened in another part of body, eg 关节(发)炎 is arthritis (inflammation of joint), 肝(发)炎 is Hepatitis (inflammation of liver) etc etc.

So today we learn 6 new words. Acute(急性), chronic(慢性), inflammation(炎), appendicitis(盲肠炎), arthritis(关节炎)and Hepatitis(肝炎).

Actually I am not here to talk about what I'd just said.

I just wanted to tell you I'd just argued fiercely with my boss that where is the direction of my on-going publication write up should head to. yah, i am writing a scientific paper, and forever writing it. never get done.

why i can't see the end? because all researcher are greedy and patience enough to accumulate enough data before publish it, in order to make a greater impact. just like you have a blockbuster movie in the progress, but you don't leak it out the moment you shoot the first scene. you wait for it to complete and launch it in style and fashion with a well made trailer, so that ppl will want to watch your real movie.

But sometimes there is a line to draw. you don't want to shoot the movie 2046 until the year 2046. you have to close it even if you think it is imperfect. you learn it and you make a better movie next time. unless you are simply enjoy the making process and no pressure to deliver.

i have pressure to deliver, and i know yc has too. maybe she is more ambitious and patience. and i guess she is aiming a better first publication from me.

Sigh, i can never imagine i could talked like that to yc. I am getting frustrated by the "keep-including-new-data" cycle. My mind has never rested and settled regardless how many days of break I have had in the CNY.

I have been pushing myself to finish the lab work so that i can sit down and write the paper for my post-graduate enrollment program. and now I've missed 2 intake since the day i decided to do master/PhD. simply because i cannot get the paper out in time.

So what is this going to do with the inflammation?

How I wish it is just acute inflammation. I am just here to tell you I am developing this stupid chronic inflammation mentally. If you don't know, usually acute inflammation doesn't kill, and easy to treat. Panadol will cure it most of the time.

But chronic inflammation kills.

And if you still cannot imagine, Tuberculosis is one of them.

Don't know what is Tuberculosis? then you learn the 7th word today.

TB or 肺结核.

Still catch no ball? cancer, heart attack, stroke.

Opps, you learn 10 words today.

踏步前行

生活还未细细品茗，又要踏步前行了。

有人在中学毕业时对我说，还写在纪念册里。这种话那时听了觉得很老，年纪小小就深诣人生，象是追求梦想而无可奈何的别离。那个年代少年老成总是比较吃香。

现在这道理怎么看都不对，就是少年不知愁滋味强说愁。不停地前行，不停地前行。一次又一次地浅尝着深切的生活，蜻蜓点水般过日子，到底什么才是真正的生活啊? 前行终究不是生活的目的嘛。如果前进是人生在世的唯一目的，那会象王家卫电影里那只没有脚的鸟，永远只能自由地飞翔，不停地飞。有一天它着陆了，因为它死掉了。

几天前在看台湾节目，有个主持叫徐乃麟，说，摄影棚站久了，就是你的。说得真合我胃口，好不好则另当别论。没什么速成的，就脚踏实地地干，刻苦耐劳，谦虚谨慎......听起来好悲哀，其实我好想不劳而获。我很懒惰，天天用什么激励话来维持活力未免太假。小鸟本来就是要飞的，有没有脚都一样。如果天天还要自我鞭策般让翅膀挥动，我就会开始怀疑其实我并不是鸟。而分别就是在有飞行目的地和漫无目的罢了。

前不前行其实和不劳而获有一点关系，通常不劳不获才会想拼命前行，希望行到一片黄金遍地的乐土。好了，修成正果了，眼前全是白花花的银子和黄澄澄的金子。你现在很成功了，整个摄影棚是你的了，回头一看。他妈的，人老朱黄不说，由于不顾一切勇往直前，一路上有点万骨枯的景像，通常还失去最重要的东西。那时就会很唏嘘地唱赵传的我终于失去了你。

生活真是充满疾苦呢。是不是应该细细品茗，才会苦尽甘来?

Money in the balance

This is the day when I felt the impact of money.

I am someone who always thinks that money is just money and what is enough is enough. You live at your own means as long as financially allowed, because you spent at the manner of how much you earn. If you can’t finish off 1 million dollars, 1 billions dollars is meaningless. It’s just a number.

I’ve grown up without experienced the prowess of money. I have never seen the money in front of my eyes created any magical moment as long as I can remember. Maybe there is not much money to begin with. In fact, the greatest moment in my memory was the day I suddenly notice the amount of dishes on the dinning table was directly proportional to the financial status at home.

Then I learned the importance of money. But importance is not exactly prowess.

I was in a rare mood of calculating my financial token. And I found myself was heavily associated with liabilities. And this is the time I hate myself having “financial freedom” as the only word surface in my mind which abused by way too many MLM and insurance companies. I thought I was over-fuelled with pride to distant myself with them.

The direct influence would be from ej and jiun who are getting married very soon. The more they shared with me the more I see my financial fragility. It would be just nice as how I live now, but a greater financial commitment would certainly threaten.

Certain expected and unexpected incidents (that needs money) really annoyed me. The frustration is accumulating until I have a moment of detestation. I hate my brother doesn’t study hard enough to ease the financial pressure; I hate my father who has no plan for everything, I hate my mum for earning too little, and I hate myself for not done enough to earn. Sometimes I feel like a crying baby who is too helpless to do anything except whining and complaining. I even hate myself not being a son of Bill Gates.

But as soon as I thought of vs and her family, I laughed at myself for being too weak; even I have self-claimed a person with provider instinct.
Anyhow, I’ve seen my parents struggle with money, and out-wrested most of the time by the reality. With three children waiting for meals everyday surely doesn’t help at all. I always wonder how my parents “dare” to have three kids with such financial condition. I told my mum you are so brave. What I didn’t tell her was it was a poor decision.

I thought education is the best way to escape from poverty. So I make sure I graduate and find a decent job. Then I am constantly in search of a balance between money and satisfaction in the job. Yet sometimes you just have to swallow the fact that it is not about how much you can learn but it is how much you can earn. With growing financial commitment in all area, be it obligated or not, it is starting to haunt me. There is growing in fear that I can’t cope with it, especially in the near future. Every time I work my ass off and see I am the only one working hard to lead the progress and deliver the most in the lab, I feel like an idiot. Idiot that think of this is for the good of me so don’t bother.

But this is the time I need more motivation practically, not spiritually. For someone like me who has no 13 months bonus, no performance bonus, not covered by steady salary increment scheme, the only thing left is 28 days annual leave that I will never able to use up.

I work with pride and practice with professionalism, I know I deserved better treatment. Or at least, I am not working without knowing my price. You pay peanut for monkey, not the qualities I possess.

I hope I have sent my delicate message that mixed with personal request and expectation clearly.

Sigh, it’s just one of the many chores that are bothering.