Money in the balance

This is the day when I felt the impact of money.

I am someone who always thinks that money is just money and what is enough is enough. You live at your own means as long as financially allowed, because you spent at the manner of how much you earn. If you can’t finish off 1 million dollars, 1 billions dollars is meaningless. It’s just a number.

I’ve grown up without experienced the prowess of money. I have never seen the money in front of my eyes created any magical moment as long as I can remember. Maybe there is not much money to begin with. In fact, the greatest moment in my memory was the day I suddenly notice the amount of dishes on the dinning table was directly proportional to the financial status at home.

Then I learned the importance of money. But importance is not exactly prowess.

I was in a rare mood of calculating my financial token. And I found myself was heavily associated with liabilities. And this is the time I hate myself having “financial freedom” as the only word surface in my mind which abused by way too many MLM and insurance companies. I thought I was over-fuelled with pride to distant myself with them.

The direct influence would be from ej and jiun who are getting married very soon. The more they shared with me the more I see my financial fragility. It would be just nice as how I live now, but a greater financial commitment would certainly threaten.

Certain expected and unexpected incidents (that needs money) really annoyed me. The frustration is accumulating until I have a moment of detestation. I hate my brother doesn’t study hard enough to ease the financial pressure; I hate my father who has no plan for everything, I hate my mum for earning too little, and I hate myself for not done enough to earn. Sometimes I feel like a crying baby who is too helpless to do anything except whining and complaining. I even hate myself not being a son of Bill Gates.

But as soon as I thought of vs and her family, I laughed at myself for being too weak; even I have self-claimed a person with provider instinct.
Anyhow, I’ve seen my parents struggle with money, and out-wrested most of the time by the reality. With three children waiting for meals everyday surely doesn’t help at all. I always wonder how my parents “dare” to have three kids with such financial condition. I told my mum you are so brave. What I didn’t tell her was it was a poor decision.

I thought education is the best way to escape from poverty. So I make sure I graduate and find a decent job. Then I am constantly in search of a balance between money and satisfaction in the job. Yet sometimes you just have to swallow the fact that it is not about how much you can learn but it is how much you can earn. With growing financial commitment in all area, be it obligated or not, it is starting to haunt me. There is growing in fear that I can’t cope with it, especially in the near future. Every time I work my ass off and see I am the only one working hard to lead the progress and deliver the most in the lab, I feel like an idiot. Idiot that think of this is for the good of me so don’t bother.

But this is the time I need more motivation practically, not spiritually. For someone like me who has no 13 months bonus, no performance bonus, not covered by steady salary increment scheme, the only thing left is 28 days annual leave that I will never able to use up.

I work with pride and practice with professionalism, I know I deserved better treatment. Or at least, I am not working without knowing my price. You pay peanut for monkey, not the qualities I possess.

I hope I have sent my delicate message that mixed with personal request and expectation clearly.

Sigh, it’s just one of the many chores that are bothering.