My room

Without any intention, i was wandering around in my photo folder. These days people no longer holding the bulky album on their hand. It is just a mouse-click away from the photo.

I found this.



The first thing i wanted to say was the mattress and the comforter. yeah you are right, is a Digimon comforter. my 21st birthday present, the best and most practical present i ever had in my life. from the day i was 21 until TODAY...the days i weren't sleep with Digimon were either i was stay overnight somewhere, or someone else is stay overnight. even was washing it, it will be back in duty right after it dried. and normally it will not last through the night. i will make sure i have it before i sleep. It ranked as my all time best present. Dun give me a damn souvenir or something funny man. give me comforter or something can eat. sleep and eat is important. haha.

It was my first room after graduated, Mae's room is just opposite but the house belongs to her sister, which room is opposite too. (damn :P) Checked on the date of the shot, it was 9-august-04. I remember vividly it was the 2nd day i moved in. Which explained why it is so clean too, haha. I was temporarily stay in ej's room in Sheares hall before that. until school re-open. i mean, until i moved out to Mae's place.

side-track a bit, when i stay in ej's room, you dun want to believe on that period the room is packed with the stuff of 7 people. is either we were all minimalist, or Sheares hall room is damn big. ya, is really like that.everything on the photo is mine, except 2 things. can you tell which? one is quite obvious, the other is a bit hard.



On the other side, it was a writing table provided by Mae's sister. and my pc already take up most of the space. and having painfully close distant with the LCD. and I'm glad is LCD....if it is CRT the monitor screen will pushed right in front of my face. and supposed to be my working space. and ended up as space for anything. anything also put on it. from food to files to handphone to coins to letters to anything.... you name it.



To be frank. it used to be like a show room....table. Diligently clean up every single piece of paper as well as every single dot of dust my finger can ever feel.



.....it only lasted for a week. afterall, look at my hostel room and you will understand.

Welcome to B317.

就这样，

星期六中午打电话给五婶告诉她我妈在路上，下午到。

星期天晚上又打电话给五婶。欲言又止那样。其实我是不知道从何说起。

假假闲话家常一下，说到正题。一说开就无法停止，结果讲了两个小时多的长途电话。

难怪昨天打来。五婶说。

唉，怎么可能不知道我妈几点去她家呢。那通电话明显多余。根本就是有话要跟她讲。

厘清了事情，我更加肯定新年会更好。

五叔在旁边说，如果是跟女朋友讲两个小时，大概很快可以喝喜酒。

我觉得两小时还很远哪，讲不了两分钟才会更快喝喜酒吧。

......为什么每个人都在看几时到我??

情不自禁

今天YY生日，去吃晚饭。看了一场无聊电影。连生日快乐都没说。就心照吧，付帐都懒得拉拉扯扯了。

友情就是要享受无聊耗日子才会滋长。我们的日子已经太紧绷，朋友见面都是要只作伴，不说话。

不是什么分享心事的，不过要个朋友作伴而已。

要求如此简单其实很难做到。我们心里都明白。

我有很多已经见家长的朋友，多到我妈都不记得，每次带回家都要介绍，讲了又讲。她只记得那些中学的。那些朋友会的。看到朋友会三个字，大概很多人会叹好久没有听见了吧。都是年少无知，对友情没有安全感又缺乏自信心才会制造出这种玩意儿的。

我没有不屑紧握这种牵拌，也没有如获至宝地供奉。接下来几年都是那样。没有刻意雕琢，就让它自然生长。象鱼在水中游，没有想要握着身边每一寸的水，朋友才会细水长流。

我说，无论那个阶段，小学，中学，中六，大学。

你们都是我情不自禁的骄傲。

谢谢祁洁

昨天yc一提到我妈，我竟然骤然泪如雨下，太丢脸了。还好周围的人都出去了，不然人家还会以为我们关系紧张。

在完全没有心理准备的情况下，我的眼泪稀里哗啦如洪水，完全不受控制，连我自己都吓到了。一点防卫都没有，眼堤彻底失守，简直就象泛滥成灾。我不知道为什么，也没有办法解释。到现在我还是无法接受在人前稀里哗啦的事实，还不是在我认可的人面前。我甚至忘了上次这样是几时。

都是祁洁。那天她说得太赤裸了。话白得我没法下咽，吞下也无法消化。难怪这几天心里总是象憋着一股气无处释放，还带过年来挨到昨天。

我不知道为什么，只觉得压力很大，也充满了无力感，心里好难过。负荷过剩，又大部份不是自己的事，却在情在理无法置之不理，总象什么都自己背负，也不忍心要弟弟们分担。

不过托祁洁的福，在情绪上我现在感觉好象非常轻松。都跟着眼泪流出来了吧。

谢谢祁洁，新年见吧。

后记(9-1-08): 我其实没有哭的感觉。只是纯粹的渲泄而已。对，我还是没能接受。

2008

今年的唯一的愿望是，希望比去年更好。

二零零七真不是一个让我喜欢的年头。

回顾一下整年的博客，要么我生性爱埋怨，再不就是流年不利。影响最大的发生在我家里。不想再回顾了，太疲，也没有什么教训值得吸取的地方。健康普遍不好，食物中毒，皮肤病，感冒，甲状腺发炎；财运中等，可是花费倍增，还好有点投资；爱情只有不痛不痒的涟漪，不值一提；事业还好，只是到了交叉口却还下不定决心。

唯一的好是我依然人事已尽。

今年我要谢谢的人依序是五婶，文心，伟棋，cm，ej，世君，富升，小凌和鲁豫。

都是一些和我分担或分享的人。或启发我的人。

再见二零零七。

二零零八计划。要吃早餐。准时午餐。一星期不准吃麦当劳超过两次。星期天最少三小时写文章或练水彩。跑步最少每星期5km。每个星期一上午最少读一篇论文。每个月储蓄最少六百。最少每两星期打电话回家一次。

还想写每天一点前睡觉。我知道做不到。算了，那是明年的目标。

也好也不好

Mr Children 只是一个有感而发罢了。谢谢关照。

前些日子在读到 ‘在物是人非的风景里，我最想念你’ 或什么的，抄下用在开头。今天我在别处又读到了 在所有人事已非的景色里,我最喜欢你.

说的是不同的事。写得也相当离题。我想可能这话太有意境了吧，很多人都非用不可。再不然就是什么歌词，只是我没听过。

她问，要是真能倒退回去，爹妈老婆孩子都还在现在，您回去吗。
他说，那。。。得考虑考虑，他们。。。不能跟着回去吗？

后来，我们觉得，生活已经慢慢地变成一张网，缠住我们。不能纯粹为自己活。也好也不好。

乍看之下我能明白。然后可以象小凌说的那样，就别多想了。可是我竟然去仔细想想。

如果是我，我好想回到过去。回到中学，或小学。没有什么新加坡，没什么国大。没什么忧虑。那么要是真能倒退回去，爹妈老婆孩子却都留在现在。。。

我没老爹，没老婆，没孩子。我只是老妈的儿子和老弟的哥哥，和所有人的老大，人人都叫我大哥。我大概也是家里的老爸。我就是那个不能纯粹为自己活。也好也不好那个。如果回到过去，我就只是我。只扮演一个我的角色。我并不眷恋现在的生活。

祁洁在这里，我突然多了一个妹妹样的，跟她讲很多，也听她讲很多。我竟然不知道我可以那么耐心。就不怎么努力地，就体会到她告诉我的事情，也很自然地在人群中牵着她的手怕她落单，陪她刷牙或连夜亮着厨房灯因为她怕黑，吃什么都想分给她一份。我从来没有这么对待过或想对待自己的弟弟和妈妈。

和她这几天，我渐渐觉得，即使我有很多能够明白我的朋友，其实只是我比想象中更需要能够明白我的家人。。偏偏我对亲生家人又那么疏离。我那么自然地牵她的手，现在却连想象自己牵老母的手都觉得别扭。以前我发现自己比想象中更快适应一个人的生活，大概是想逃离吧。

我真是奇怪哉也。

我在无可奈何的同时，也在嫌我的家人吧。嫌他们不了解，嫌他们不明白，嫌他们不同频。

我在很懦弱地怨天尤人就是了。

Mr Children

一时感触，搞得我好想哭。

天下竟然有这种事。

我真的可怜我自己，未老先衰。老顽童怎样都比小老头好吧。

大家努力做个 Mr. Children 吧。

I am not a duck

When ppl talk (complain) to me about their job, I always think self-understanding is important as to possess genuine interest in what you are doing is critical. even when you know you are not happy, it is equally important to know it is the job that you don't like or you just don't like to work in that company due to various reasons. it helps you to decide if you want to switch company or switch industry. or change it.

I remember i had a discussion with Jaron about it. his top 3 factors defined for an ideal job included working partners. and that was quite low for me at that time. I was working independently and literally on my own. I didn't feel the influence of working partners. But these days I keep thinking back and forth to re-evaluate my situation (there are a lot more exciting stories to tell when i meet you all next time), I suddenly realize i was experiencing the effect of it.

ppl say you are what you think. if you are a goose among the duck, the influence of your peers will bit and bit change your perception of yourself. if you realized it too late, you may just think you are a duck. and it could fatally transform you into a person crying for everything you don't have without thinking how much you can do. even you have very strong self-belief, that kind of environment will just make yourself looks like an idiot who is trying to be different and seek for attention all the time.

Recently I met 2 persons.

both of them have something in common, visionary and effective. maybe inspirational in different way. Just talk to them in general after a long-time-no-see period, talking about how's life and so on. It was so satisfying and motivating. I suddenly spot a trend. They work in a good company and it is the person around them that make the difference. they work among the best people in the most conducive environment. even a short chat make you feel like emulating them. You feel like working as them, you don't want to focus on those chores, thinking of how come his bonus is more, why should i stay back and not him etc. you just want to work focus and achieve something worth remember.

they were so exciting. I truly under-estimate the working environment this time round.

I was certainly being caught off-guard. I shall frown less and focus more. even you called me an idiot, so be it.

and i am glad i have friends like you all that remind me i am not a duck.

just a bit, more.

I suddenly feeling i am so tiny.

it takes a little bit, just a little bit less, to have the mind of stay in a comfortable zone.

I am feeling i wasn't at my best and there are always external factors as my convenient excuse. I am slowing down and i am started to whine and complain, not for the sake of it, but it's a state of mere dissatisfaction.

for all the things that happened, regardless I've told you before or not, all of them boiled down to one thing in me.

It's simply because I refuse to bear a greater responsibility and I've not prepare myself to advance for another level. i thought this is the best i can do.

hey friends, thanks for all the time listening to me. with the coffee, or the supper, or the dinner.

I think i have finally willing to picked myself up, because maybe i can do a little bit better than now. or even much more better than now. I would like to see.

I am still tired, but hopefully i will be telling you good news the next time i see you when i see you again.

张靓颖

张靓颖

把记忆模糊了 回到那年冬季
不期而遇 在白色天地
无雪的世界里 我畅快的呼吸
因为有你 在等美丽
眼神中体会久违的默契
这感觉 无忧无虑 我们在一起
我的世界 没有你就不是完整的天地

流连在雪景中回忆
童年有谁在我心底
如此的熟悉
冰封的世界里
欢笑有我有你
无论何时 无论何地
不同的颜色融合在一起
这感觉 没有距离 我们在一起
欢乐的心 未来每一天我们会更纯清

爱让我们在一起